Forgetting About the Expectations of Others

On my way to work earlier this week I heard a wonderful feature on NPR. The piece opened with a woman stating "I believe in being what I am instead of what sounds good to the rest of the world." She went on to tell the story of leaving her previous work to become an executive assistant.  She continued, "I have a master's degree in English literature, have interviewed the Dalai Lama, and co-founded a nonprofit organization. People who know me wondered why I would go for what seemed to be such a dull and low status job." But being a secretary is a great fit for her. It plays to her strengths and she loves the work. She admitted, "The only hard part is dealing with my own and other people's stereotypes, and learning to focus on internal rewards rather than humble appearances. It would be easier if I were someone whose skills were more respected and better compensated -- a doctor, an architect, a scientist. I would feel cool when I meet someone at a party. But a friend reminded me that you only have to talk about what you do for five minutes at parties, but you have to live what you do every day of your life, so better to do what you love and forget about how it looks."

It struck me that in these times some of my friends call "the mommy war era," everyone is full of opinions about what we women should do and how we should spend our time once we have children. I've heard stay-at-home moms judge working moms as being less committed to their families. I've heard working moms judge stay-at-home moms as having indulgent, sheltered lives away from the real-world pressures and stress of working while balancing the needs of your children.

I was at an alumni event for my high school recently and an old classmate of mine asked if my husband and I have kids yet. "It would be such a tragedy if you didn't have kids. You would be such a great mom," she told me. I know it was meant as a compliment, but I will admit that I flinched a little at the thought of someone who doesn't know me all that well having such a strong opinion about what my future should be.

A few days later I was sharing financial planning tips with a close girlfriend. I mentioned that I planned to max out my 401K every year until I'm 55. "You really plan to work until you are 55?" my friend asked incredulously. She assumed I would take some time out from my career to have kids.

I told the story to my husband when I got home. "It would be such a waste if you stopped working," he responded. "You're so talented and have a great career."

Hmm. Three people in one week who have a clear view of what my future should look like relative to career and family. I'm sure the rest of my family, friends, co-workers and neighbors have opinions too. Yet I'm not really sure yet what the future will hold and how I will balance the career I want with a family that I crave. How easy it would be to lose sight of what I want amidst all of these great expectations.

For this reason I found the NPR story inspiring and comforting and I've decided to adopt her motto: "I believe in being what I am instead of what sounds good to the rest of the world."

A Stay-At-Home-Mom Re-Enters the Workforce: A Chance at a Second Career

If you haven't yet visited PayScale's video blog, Salary Stories, you must. You can view short written and video profiles of people in a variety of jobs, from Whit Alexander, co-founder of Cranium to Rebecca Anderson, a nail technician in Indiana. A great interview with Therese Landefeld was posted last week. Therese rejoined the workforce 2 months ago after being a stay-at-home mom for 17 years. She covers a range of topics from having to think about her kids' schedules when she was considering jobs, to the challenges of selling her skills as a mother into corporate America.

What skills did Therese hone being a stay-at-home mom? "Managing logistics for sure. I can run 4 different people (her kids) on 4 different schedules at 3 different schools and involve all of their extra-curricular activities. I believe that you have to do that in business, that you have to keep 10 balls in the air and get them to all land where you need them to land. I do that every day in addition to being a receptionist. I do that for 4 people and a dog."

Watching Therese's interview made me think about my own stay-at-home mom who re-entered the workforce after I was off to college and my brother was a junior in high school. My mom had been a Computer Programmer and Systems Analyst in New York City in the early seventies before I was born. Twenty years later she re-entered the workforce as the Development Director for a small independent school. "Huh?" you might ask.

Though my stay-at-home mom didn't work for money for two decades, her career curve didn't flatten either. She began supporting the schools my brother and I attended through volunteer work. She chaired auctions and headed parent committees working beside the school's talented development staff who taught her the fundraising ropes. Eventually she became a Trustee and learned first-hand about the way schools functioned, how they selected their leaders, and what made a capital campaign successful.

My mom also built an incredible network throughout those years. She met parents at soccer games, ballet recitals, and school trips. Those same people would eventually become grandparents of students at the school where she worked and were the very people she would be asking to generously give their financial support to school programs.

I am so inspired by Therese, my mother, and stay-at-home moms like them who return to the workforce after a 15 or 20 year hiatus. A few years ago I took 6 months off to travel in Latin America. When I returned to work I couldn't believe how much the world of online marketing (my area of expertise) changed in less than one year - imagine how much changes over two decades and now intimidating it would be to learn all of those new things.

What I really love about my mom's story is that she never stopped learning after she left the workforce and she translated her volunteer experiences as a stay-at-home mom into a second career that she absolutely loved. While working at the school, she put toys out on her desk and wore a rotation of whimsical sweaters for every holiday to entice curious children into her office. She knew the details on every child in the school: who was athletic, who was an artist, who was new and struggling and could use some extra attention. Her mothering instincts were probably what made her so good at what she did. When she asked parents for a donation, they could tell that she really cared about the school and their child.

Hmm... I've always thought about Mom's job as a Development Director as her second career, but the more I think about it, perhaps it would be better described as a second motherhood.