Job Interview Preparation: Take Off the Wedding Ring?

So apparently I missed this tip in the "job interview preparation" list: consider taking off your wedding ring during an interview. Okay, fine, it's not a formal tip in any job interview preparation book. But it's part of a heated discussion going on at The Juggle, The Wall Street Journal's work-life balance blog.

Writer Sara Schaefer Muñoz asks: When You Land the Job Interview, Should the Ring Come Off? Muñoz admits she took off her wedding ring right before her interview at the WSJ. She later says: "Looking back, I felt that the ring-removal had been absurd."

But what surprised me more, however, was the number of commenter's that admitted they had done the same thing, or had considered taking off their wedding ring as part of their job interview preparation. Said one commenter:

"The reality is, in some industries, you have to play certain games until you’ve got your foot in the door and can prove yourself based on the quality of your work."

Being pregnant, I know, can send prospective hiring managers on the thought line of the interviewee being on a "mommy track." (And does this mean a Tiffany heart chain-link necklace is a tell-tale "mom" bauble that shouldn't be worn? Seriously! Let's think of all the accessories that an identify you as a mom...) And of course, we've already talked about maternal profiling that still exists in the workplace.

But since when did being married become a stigma in the workplace? News to me. Or maybe I'm just oblivious.

Personally, I wouldn't want to work anywhere that made me even think I had to hide my marriage to get the job.  What does that say about the employer? I think it says tons about their family-friend nature. Then again, when your young, married and child-free, you're not really thinking about family friendly companies. But it should be.

Has the idea of taking your wedding ring off for a job interview crossed your mind? What did you end up doing? And if you did take the ring off and get the job, what was the employer like?

And check out the post on The Juggle. Interesting discussion.

 

Working Moms: The Pressure to "Have it All"

I was initially going to post about my weekend away from the my two sons and husband, and how important it is for working moms -- well, all moms -- to have some quality "me time." But that will have to wait, because I just came a cross a new blog that has me riled up.

Blog pal Veronique of Little Elephants sent me a link to Dilemoms - Women Torn between Motherhood & Career. The underlying basis for the blog is the question - "Is it really impossible to 'have it all' (a highoctane, challenging and fulfilling career and a wonderful family/personal life)?"  A mom anonymously posed this question to members of the Palo Alto/Menlo Park mother's group, and she received 100+ responses. As a result, she decided to start DileMoms, which I assume to mean "Dilemma Moms."

Her most recent post summarized the responses she received and yes, of course, working moms are indeed torn between motherhood and their careers. Here's a few key comments I wanted to share:

-"Having it all is not the same as DOING it all – some moms who feel that they “have it all” still suffer from the guilt of not always being the one to take their child to the doctor or making it to every soccer game/recital"

-The price of a "high-octane career is high", causing significant strain on the marriage according to a respondent: “I'd describe my marriage as "barely hanging on" due to overall fatigue, both of us feeling like the work that we're doing at home is unacknowledged and unappreciated, and total lack of time spent together.” Another woman wrote that even though she and her husband are still deeply committed to each other, they have decided that now is just not the time to focus on their relationships, that nurturing the marriage is just something that has to wait."

-One mom said: "'Me' time is practically non-existent and last priority; personal fitness and health often suffer, as does relationship with friends. And hobbies? What’s that?!"

DileMom said that those moms who believe you can "have it all" believe it you just have to adjust your timing. How so? Delaying career aspirations, taking "career turns with your spouse," or having kids later in life. But if your already a JobMom, this isn't an option;)

DileMom offers some resources and tips she's received from other moms about "having it all." And you should definitely check out her post and blog to read in more detail the comments she received from other moms.

But here's what fired me up. Why do working moms have to be so focused on this idea of "having it all"? And why do working moms, already are plagued by guilt and stress, decide to add more the the pressure cooker by trying to achieve this idealistic and media-fabricated goal of "having it all"?

The term "having it all" means something entirely different for every single person. Sometimes I wish we could erase the phrase entirely from our brain.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I planned to return to work after maternity leave and fully expected to work my 40+ hours a week and climb that ladder. I remember telling my husband, "I'm going to show people that just because I have a baby, I can still have it all." I now laugh about it because I know now I had zero concept of what life would be like with a child. And how enamored I'd be with motherhood. I've changed careers, been a stay at home mom, and now I work from home doing something I love.

Do I have it all? At this very moment in time, I feel like I do. While I sit in a cafe working and Q., my toddler is at home with our babysitter. And Nol is at school. And when I pick Nol up, we'll get to play a bit. But ask me tonight, after the boys have gone to bed and I'm tired, but have to stay up to meet a deadline. Will I feel like I have it all then? Nope.

So I ask you - why do we, as moms, put so much pressure on ourselves to "have it all" ... instead of just focusing on living our lives in a way that makes us happy, day by day.

MomsRising: Working Moms Band Together

I recently mentioned MomsRising.org in a post about working moms choosing between better pay and job flexibility. The organization was featured in today's The New York Times in the article, "Mom's Mad. And She's Organized." It's a story every mom should read and a group that every working mom should join. Why? Because MomsRising is doing amazing things to help working moms get what we deserve in the workplace -- equal pay, flexible schedules, adequate maternity leave, and universal healthcare. And that's just for starters.

While MomsRising dubs itself a mother's advocacy group, its strongest movements target issues that affect working moms: open, flexible work; maternity and paternity leave, and compensation. The NYT story profiled several members in the San Francisco Bay Area and demonstrates why MomsRising is a force to be reckoned with.

Members across the country are hosting MomsRising House Parties -- small gatherings, usually of working moms, where they show the organization's documentary, The Motherhood Manifesto. It follows workplace challenges that moms continue to face. After the movie screening, attendees discuss key issues affecting moms, such as "maternal profiling," which the NYT story cites as a major hotbutton for discussion at these house parties.

The moms also talk about how to take action. And this is where MomsRising is most powerful -- the group inspires and empowers women to make change happen. In our lifetime.

One mom interviewed in the article said MomsRising is "addressing true family values as opposed to ideology; real policies that would help moms and dads get to work, pay the bills and have a family life.” I love that this gal mentioned that the organization is helping dads too. Working moms definitely have more hurdles to jump in the workplace, but so do their husbands. My husband didn't have paternity leave for when our first son was born...but nearly for years later for our second son's birth, he did. I'm all for organizations that support the efforts of working moms, but I really dig that MomsRising addresses these topics as ones that impact the entire family, not just the mom.

I think we're just getting our first peek at what happens when working moms band together to create change. Here's your chance to take an active role. Take a moment to read the NYT article on MomsRising. Check out their website. Read the Motherhood Manifesto. Host a House Party. Sign a petition.

Just get involved.

Sick Child Care and Working Moms, Part Two

A topic top of mind for me these days continues to be how working moms handle sick child care. And it appears I'm not the only one.

Working Mother magazine just released the results from a asking more than 650 working moms how they handle sick child care. Some key findings:

• One in three Moms have sent their child to school or childcare sick, with the most common reason being that Mom isn't able to take the day off from work.

• More than 90 percent of Moms surveyed believe that the flu is a serious illness and while 54 percent have some flexibility to work from home, keeping a child home sick is not always an easy decision. And when they send their sick child to daycare or school, 70 percent of Moms felt guilty for doing it.

• Nearly 65% of respondents said that when one person in the family gets the flu or a cold, other family members tend to get sick too. Boy, can I support that thought!

The cold and flu bug has hit my area quite hard this winter, and here's hoping it fades away soon. Like many of my working mom colleagues in the blog world and in real life, having sick kids for days on end is one time in your professional life when you're actually eager to get to the office!

Complete Study Results on Working Moms and Sick Child Care

Tips to Handle Separation Anxiety in Preschoolers

Moms expect daycare drop off to be difficult. You know you'll have tears and the need for an extra 10 minutes of hugs. Somehow it always tends to happen on the days you need to get to work early for an important conference call or meeting, am I right? Once your kids hit four or five, you don't expect separation anxiety in preschoolers. At least I didn't. But, like almost every aspect in parenting, you learn as you go and are often hit with surprises.

Since my family has been sick for oh, a month, my oldest son, Nol, has been home from school for days on end. He loves school, adores his teachers and his friends. So when he was healthy (for all of two days!) why was he not rushing out the door to get back to fun times at preschool?

His separation anxiety was fueled by comfort and fear. He wanted to be home with his mommy. What if he felt sick again? ("Mommy, if my tummy hurts, who will rub it?") What if he was too tired to play? Several discussions and many tears later, I realized he wanted to go to school. He just needed an extra dose of something. I asked Nol if he wanted something to keep in his pocket, something from Mommy, that would help him feel extra brave. And when he was feeling sad or tired, it would make him feel happy. His eyes lit up...I was onto something. I quickly ran to my bedroom and looked around. I remembered this costume ring I had that he always loves playing with when I wear it. It has tiny pink, red and purple rhinestones in it...colors that would at least get a giggle from him.

I presented Nol with the Happiness Ring. I put it in his pocked and told him that when he needed some extra happiness, he could put his hand on the ring and know that Mommy was thinking happy thoughts for him. And it worked. As I dropped him off at school, I could tell he wasn't sold on the idea of sticking around. As I kissed him good bye and walked away, I watched him put his hand on his pocket...on the ring...and I knew he'd be okay.

iVillage has some great tips to help deal with separation anxiety in preschoolers. Simple things like keeping your good-byes quick, which is totally contrary to what every mom would love to do when she see's her kid crying for her. I'd love to stick around and offer and extra cuddle, but I know it will only make it worse. Other tips include including a family picture or another reminder, like my Happiness Ring, in your child's bag for him or her to look at during the day. Developing a routine is also commonly recommended..and make sure you let the teacher know about that routine so she can assist in any way.

Check out the "Don't" list as well, but if anyone ever tells you that sneaking out isn't cool, just nod your head. In theory, I can understand this idea of breaking your child's trust because they didn't see you leave. However, some kids actually do better not knowing when you leave. You can create your routine to incorporate a silent departure, which is best to take place when your child is fully engaged in an activity with his friends or teacher.

As unbearable as dealing with separation anxiety in preschoolers can seem, you can also create some special, memorable moments out of them. I think my costume ring will forever be a Happiness Ring.

Have you dealt with separation anxiety in your preschooler? What worked for you?

Valentine's Day Card Ideas

Okay, less than 24 hours are left until Valentine's Day -- do you know where your kid's 40+ Valentine's Day cards for his class are hiding?

Oye. I picked up a pack of Cars Valentine's Day cards a few weeks ago, but somehow missed that I should have purchased two packs. He needs 45 cards, not the 32 in the pack. So today I'm scouring the Web for easy Valentine's Day card ideas.

And not just easy. I'm sitting here in bed with a box of Kleenex by my side as I battle the latest, greatest bug my kids have lovingly passed on to me. So I need a Valentine's Day card idea that does not require me to leave the house to pick up materials.

Here's what I've found so far on my quest for Valentine's Day card ideas that are a) easy to make and b) can be made with whatever's in my house right at this moment...

-Peekaboo Valentines: Okay. I might have to get out of bed for this one.  A few copies of my son's photo, a hole punch, some construction paper (who says it has to be red?) and a marker.  Just maybe.

-Old-school Valentine's Day Hearts: Paper, scissors, a glue stick and some markers. Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter. But even sick, it doesn't appeal to the crafty side of me my son.

-Fingerprint Hearts: An ink pad, marker, paper and my son's fingers can make these cute little Valentine's Day cards. I think I'm in love.

What are your kids up to this Valentine's Day?

Letting Go of Mom Guilt, One Balloon at A Time

In the recent issue of O Magazine, Kristin Armstrong writes about how she survived the end of her marriage to Lance Armstrong. In the article Leave Strong, the mom to a son and twin daughters details the difficulty she had letting go of her relationship. Even though it was long since over.

For some reason, the story made me think about mom guilt. All moms experience it, but working moms seem to have it thrown in their faces all the time.

Do we experience mom guilt because we can't let go of something we desperately are trying to cling to? Be it a vision of our former, pre-kid self or a media-fabricated idea of "having it all"? Do working moms feel guilty because we love work and we can't admit it because it would see so un-motherly...this idea that we're okay with being away from our kids for several hours a day (which, um, becomes a moot point when they're in school). Or because we're asking ourselves so many "what-if" questions? What if we miss a milestone? What if we miss our child's music recital or don't pick him or her up from school?

Or Is it the pressure of having so many choices before us, and the fear...and resulting guilt...of not making the right choice, as Trisha Ashworth said last week at a working moms conference?

It's all this and then some.

I've "made peace" with many aspects of motherhood, especially working motherhood. I like bringin' home the bacon. I like my boys seeing my work appear in the newspaper. Or talking to my oldest son about this online media world I live in. I've made peace...but I still feel guilt. It creeps up on me every now and then. Like when I'd rather be checking my email instead of playing "Pet Hospital" for the 20th time in an hour.

And I wonder: Can we ever let go of mom guilt?

I'm not a woe-is-my-type gal. This is why I embrace this idea of making peace with yourself. If something is bothering me, I try to find a way to change it or let it go. It doesn't always work, but I try.

In her story, Kristin Armstrong writes on her symbolic "letting go:"

"I decided that as a visual person I needed to make a visible statement. I walked up the steps to the lookout point carrying a fistful of helium balloons, one balloon for each ugly thing that I needed to purge. I must have looked ridiculous, like a woman who missed a birthday party, but I walked all the way to the farthest edge and sat down. I said a prayer and named each thing (blame, guilt, regret, fear…) as I let it go, watching each colored balloon swirl away until it became a speck and disappeared into the horizon...Only by learning how to let go do we learn how to hold on to what matters. It's as though the shadows created by loss illuminate what remains; the contrast helps us see with great clarity and appreciation the things we were meant to do, the people who are still with us, and those we love deeply who also love us back."

I love this image of releasing one balloon for each "ugly thing" we need to purge. Of the balloons floating away, high into the galaxy, never to be seen again.

If I had a handful of balloons to release, I would purge mom guilt and fear. And while I'm at it, I might just attach those pre-pregnancy, size 4 jeans from six years ago and let them sail into the ether.

If you had a handful of balloons to purge, what would each one symbolize?

Quick and Easy Meals for the Week

Ahhhh, Friday. I love weekends. It's not always a given that we'll have a restful one. But if there's one weekend tradition that we try to maintain, it's a fun Saturday night meal that we cook as a family.

Come Sunday night, however, I'm pulling together a quick and easy meal plan for the week. One thing that I learned early on as a working mom is that organization is essential to a good week. I will plan down to the tiniest detail if it means I can avoid the chaos that often comes with making dinner after a day of work. I pour over my favorite cooking magazines, blogs and websites that offer up quick and easy meals, yet allow us to have some fun in the kitchen.

If you're in need of ideas for quick and easy meals...that don't involve hot dogs and mac n' cheese...check out some of my favorites resources:

-Everyday Food: I'll admit it. Everyday Food is my favorite cooking magazine. The recipes are uncomplicated and typically require ingredients you'd find in your pantry on any given day ("What, you mean I don't have to use that $30 bottle of saffron?"). And I kid you not - every single recipe I've tried from the magazine has been delicious. When my oldest son is asking me to make Pork Chops & Apple Raisin Relish, I know I've got a winner. And...I always have leftovers for lunch or even dinner the next night.

-FamilyFood by CityMama: My fellow blogger, friend and working mom, Stefania Pomponi Butler, aka CityMama, is a foodie just like me. Or perhaps moreso, because she has her own food blog called FamilyFood. Her Weekly Menus are REAL. In other words, created by a working mom with two young daughters. She knows how dinner time works. CityMama builds in "date night," "take out" and "leftovers" into her weekly meal plans because hey, Mama doesn't have to cook every single night. The meals made from scratch? Fun since  they are not your typical fare for the fam. Or they are a new spin on traditional meals. A good way to branch out the dinner menu.

-Six O'Clock Scramble: Possibly one of the coolest resources for working moms. Six O'Clock Scramble offers ideas for quick and easy meal in the form of subscription newsletter. Once a week, you get a menu for the week, including main dishes and recommended side dishes. Even cooler still? It comes with a grocery list to make those quick and easy meals. An annual subscription costs US$47.50, which is well-spent if it saves you time and keeps you sane.

I have tons of food blogs and sites I visit regularly for inspiration, and will share them in the coming weeks. In the meantime, how do you handle dinner time? Who cooks? What do you make? And how do you avoid dinner time chaos?

The Mom Ramp: Say GoodBye to "Opting"

When the discussion of working moms is center stage, the phrases "opting in" and  "opting out"  tend to get tossed around alot. As if moms only have two choices: you work or you don't. And if you "opt out," well then, that's just  the end of your career. And it's just so wrong.

Earlier this week I attended a conference called "Mother+Corporate Ladder =  New Formulas for Success."  The big draw was a panel discussion about working moms and job flexibility, a topic near and dear to my heart. The panel included some Bay Area heavy hitters, including Tasmin Smith, president of (RED) - a single mom with two children; Jodi Bricker, a vice president at LEVI's and mom to two kids; and Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile, co-authors of the book I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids. Trisha has three children and Amy has two kids.

All of the panelists are working moms. All but one currently have flexible work environments, from job shares to part time to working full time but on unconventional terms. Not a single panelist uttered "opt in" or "opt out." Instead, they spoke of "off ramping" and "on ramping," vernacular that recently became popular after Harvard Business Review published its 2005 study, Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success. So refreshing, because these terms imply that this working mom challenge is not black and white. You don't have to be a Stay at Home Mom OR a Working Mom. You can take time from one or the other...and go back to what is right for you. Sort of the motherhood highway, if you will.

The conference hosts, Flexperience Staffing and MommyTrack'd, anticipated about 150 attendees. They were  wrong...more than 400 working moms attended the event. And we all were treated to some fantastic stories and tips from these working moms in the trenches. Flexperience will be posting a podcast of the even on their site in the next few days, and I encourage you to listen -- these ladies are inspiring and make you say "Mom Power!"

I thought I'd share some of sound-bites that really resonated with me, with the hope that you'll also find them useful in your journeys as working moms:

-"Make peace with your decision to work." -This was the advice from Trisha Ashworth when asked how she dealt with the guilt that working moms experience. I agree with this statement 100 percent. You can question yourself every 60 seconds and every 60 seconds you can create a steady stream of doubt about your decision to be a working mom. Accept the reasons why you work -- whether it's because you enjoy it, you like the extra income, or you need the extra income. Make peace with yourself.

-"We feel lucky we have so many choices, and we feel the pressure to make the right choice." - Another thought from Trisha and supported by Amy Nobile. I can't disagree with this statement either...

-"Go with the short term, and go as long a you can." -Jodi Bricker's tip on how she handles her job as a VP of women's merchandising for LEVI's. With two kids, 5 and 6 years old, she said looks at her career and overall situation in the short term and makes adjustments as she goes. I like this idea - it takes a little pressure off of a working mom to feel like she has to have a rock-solid roadmap. Being a working mom requires different strategies at different points it time.

Some other thoughts that each panelist mentioned as instrumental to having a successful, flexible work situation:

-Have a strong support network of other working moms. In your company, through a local mother's groups or virtually through online parenting communities like Maya's Mom*, blogs like JobMom, Working Mothers Against Guilt, Self Made Mom, and the many others in the blogworld. Working moms are always happy to share what works and doesn't work -- just ask!

-Have reliable childcare...backups to backups. And backups to those backups. Need I say more?

-If you want a flexible work environment, figure out a way to make it happen. You may think your job can't be done part time, or with a flexible schedule, but you'll never know unless you try. Create your own custom career.

I'll let you know when the links to the podcast become available. But in the meantime, let's ditch the talk about opting in and opting out. I'm all about the motherhood highway...with its many on ramps and off ramps along the way.

(*In the spirit of full disclosure, I do contribute editorially to Maya's Mom. But it is a rocking site. My ID is crazedparent if you want to be friends.)

A Working Mom's Choice: Better Pay or Flexibility

I stumbled across the blog of author Marcy Sheiner; it's called Dirty Laundry. In a recent post she muses, "Working Mother: Is There Any Other Kind?" (Easy answer. Nope.) Her post was fueled by a radio interview where conservative talk show host Michael Medvid interviewed Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner of Moms Rising and asked: “Why shouldn’t an employer have the choice not to hire a single mother?”

Sheiner says Finkbeiner responded by repeatedly challenging [Medvid's] assumption that a single mother is more likely to take time off than other employees. Sheiner went on to say she was "frustrated with Finkbeiner for denying the obvious: a single mother—any mother—actually does require job flexibility."

Working Moms Require Job Flexibility

Sheiner is spot on in her assessment. Flexibility is a necessity for every working mom. For every working parent.

You get hit with the unexpected at inconvenient moments. As I write this post, my 20-month old is curled up on my chest sleeping between bouts of vomiting from a new episode of the stomach flu. There are kids to be picked up at daycare, from school, from playdates. You have to leave work at the drop of a dime in a family emergency. Or to watch your teenage daughter's championship soccer game. Or your son's acting debut.

Job Flexibility at the Expense of Less Compensation?

Everything comes with a price, right? And for having job flexibility, the price working moms usually pay comes in the form of less compensation than they deserve.

It's almost comical. Working moms require job flexibility. Yet working moms, especially those returning to the job force after a new baby, often work even harder to prove their worth. To show they are still at the top of their game. Yet many will never be compensated for their efforts. Their ability to consistently outperform other employees, to set examples of how to be a successful working moms, will go unrecognized in their salaries. Even at the friendliest of family friendly companies.

And guess what? Most moms will make that compromise. According to Moms Rising, Harvard Business Review published a survey of working women where 64 percent of respondents reported flexible work arrangements as “either extremely or very important to them.” Only 42 percent said that ‘earning a lot of money’ is an important motivator.”

Flexible Work, Equal Work for Equal Pay

In the corporate world, I had an incredibly flexible job. I worked a 24-hour week in a visible position, was in the office three days a week, and non-reachable on my days off. I put in overtime when necessary, no questions asked. But I also had to teach myself not to feel guilty about the time I had to spend away from the office. I was one of those outperforming working moms. Review after review, I was told I completed more in 24 hours than my colleagues who worked 40+ hours a week. Managers would send their newly pregnant employees or new moms returning to work to me for advice on how to create a flexible schedule...how to achieve work-life balance. And still,promotion after promotion seemed to miss me. Raise after raise, never to land in my bank account. Why? I chose job flexibility by going part time and missing opportunities to make myself even more "visible" within the company.

I don't regret it for a second. My job flexibility allowed me to spend time at home with my first son. But I do believe that all employees deserve equal pay for equal work. Working moms shouldn't be penalized for job flexibility. If you get the job done, and done well, you deserve salary compensation as does any other employee peforming at the same caliber.

At Moms Rising, their Motherhood Manifesto calls for Open Flexible Work with Equal Pay for Equal Work. You should too. You've earned it.

What's most important to you - job flexibility or earning a high salary? Do you have to make a trade between job flexibility and pay?