Working Moms: The Pressure to "Have it All"

Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland

I was initially going to post about my weekend away from the my two sons and husband, and how important it is for working moms -- well, all moms -- to have some quality "me time." But that will have to wait, because I just came a cross a new blog that has me riled up.

Blog pal Veronique of Little Elephants sent me a link to Dilemoms - Women Torn between Motherhood & Career. The underlying basis for the blog is the question - "Is it really impossible to 'have it all' (a highoctane, challenging and fulfilling career and a wonderful family/personal life)?"  A mom anonymously posed this question to members of the Palo Alto/Menlo Park mother's group, and she received 100+ responses. As a result, she decided to start DileMoms, which I assume to mean "Dilemma Moms."

Her most recent post summarized the responses she received and yes, of course, working moms are indeed torn between motherhood and their careers. Here's a few key comments I wanted to share:

-"Having it all is not the same as DOING it all – some moms who feel that they “have it all” still suffer from the guilt of not always being the one to take their child to the doctor or making it to every soccer game/recital"

-The price of a "high-octane career is high", causing significant strain on the marriage according to a respondent: “I'd describe my marriage as "barely hanging on" due to overall fatigue, both of us feeling like the work that we're doing at home is unacknowledged and unappreciated, and total lack of time spent together.” Another woman wrote that even though she and her husband are still deeply committed to each other, they have decided that now is just not the time to focus on their relationships, that nurturing the marriage is just something that has to wait."

-One mom said: "'Me' time is practically non-existent and last priority; personal fitness and health often suffer, as does relationship with friends. And hobbies? What’s that?!"

DileMom said that those moms who believe you can "have it all" believe it you just have to adjust your timing. How so? Delaying career aspirations, taking "career turns with your spouse," or having kids later in life. But if your already a JobMom, this isn't an option;)

DileMom offers some resources and tips she's received from other moms about "having it all." And you should definitely check out her post and blog to read in more detail the comments she received from other moms.

But here's what fired me up. Why do working moms have to be so focused on this idea of "having it all"? And why do working moms, already are plagued by guilt and stress, decide to add more the the pressure cooker by trying to achieve this idealistic and media-fabricated goal of "having it all"?

The term "having it all" means something entirely different for every single person. Sometimes I wish we could erase the phrase entirely from our brain.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I planned to return to work after maternity leave and fully expected to work my 40+ hours a week and climb that ladder. I remember telling my husband, "I'm going to show people that just because I have a baby, I can still have it all." I now laugh about it because I know now I had zero concept of what life would be like with a child. And how enamored I'd be with motherhood. I've changed careers, been a stay at home mom, and now I work from home doing something I love.

Do I have it all? At this very moment in time, I feel like I do. While I sit in a cafe working and Q., my toddler is at home with our babysitter. And Nol is at school. And when I pick Nol up, we'll get to play a bit. But ask me tonight, after the boys have gone to bed and I'm tired, but have to stay up to meet a deadline. Will I feel like I have it all then? Nope.

So I ask you - why do we, as moms, put so much pressure on ourselves to "have it all" ... instead of just focusing on living our lives in a way that makes us happy, day by day.

Comments

[Selfmademom]

Thanks for posting this. Seems like the idea of the blog has legs. I wonder if though it will be the same kind of arguing with each other I see around. I'm voting for the end of the mommy wars, and this might keep it going. But it will be an interesting discussion for sure!

[Jess]

I honestly wish I could answer this. I struggle with the having it all crap myself. Honestly I think it is a pipe dream. I try and focus on what I can do and let the chips fall where they may.

[Stella]

Totally agree with Jess: I too try to focus on what can be done and to hell with everything else. I do feel for those moms who struggle with this media-fueled mommy-myth. I do work full time, but I'm not on what you would call a "high-octane career path". My day ends at 4 pm, and I refuse to take work home--if I can't get it done during the work day, then I'm not managing my time effiencently. And still, I do have a bit of residual guilt over the fact that I'd rather work than be a SAHM. And the time I do have with my son doesn't seem like I'm doing enough as a parent.