Weekend Plans: No News is Good News

I've always been consumed by my work. Even when I didn't like my career in the past, I still worked hard and wanted my end-product to be perfect. Having kids has never changed this mentality of mine. In fact, it's even more intense because I am finally doing what I love.

I'm immersed in work. I have set hours during the day, but when I have spare moments when my boys nap and in the evening, I always seem to be...working. Between paid-for editorial assignments and my pet projects, I am a writing machine. Even with a babysitter and time to myself, I still feel like I'm always playing catch up even though I'm not. Oddly enough, I also feel have a decent semblance of balance because I spend ample amount of time with my husband and sons.  Even so, there are other parts of my life that I've neglected. Like my love of gardening. Or scrapbooking. Or those guitar lessons I've been wanting to take for months. But my balance is indeed off.

You -- Working Mom reading this story -- does this sound familiar? Swap out my writing obsession with your need to check your email or work on anything related to your job -- and you know what I'm takin' about.

Two weeks ago, after consistently clocking in many hours more than I was supposed to on various projects, I decided I needed to make a change. This week, I had zoom focus and didn't allow myself to think about assignments beyond tasks at hand. My pace was less frenetic.

And this weekend, I'm tuning out. No work.

My goal for Saturday is to spend the entire day outdoors gardening. The boys can easily join in since they love playing in our backyard. On Sunday, after our usually family prowl at the Farmer's Market in search of some good eats for the week, I'm meeting up with one of my best friends to scrapbook during the afternoon. And I can't wait.

One thing I won't be doing is thinking about all this daycare news, especially after reading this post by my writing partner, Jason Avant, who also scribes for the parenting blog, StrollerDerby.

In it, Jason points to an article that appeared on Slate, where writer Emily Bazelon takes the the study's main researcher, Margaret Burchinal, to task. After a few questions, Burchinal states...and please, get yourselves ready for this one:

  "I'm not sure we communicated this, but the kids who had one to two years of daycare by age 4½—which was typical for our sample—had exactly the level of problem behavior you'd expect for kids of their age. Most people use center care for one or two years, and for those kids we're not seeing anything problematic." 

Huh? Sure, The New York Times article stated that the effects for daycare "were slight, and well within the normal range for healthy children." But "slight" is not the same as saying the kids had "exactly the level of problem behavior you'd expect of kids their age."

Thanks, Jason, for pointing out this Slate story. You're right -- it's absolutely worth a read. And it's wonderful way to kick off the weekend, knowing that in the end, that study means nothing more than we already know. Trust your parental instinct.

What about you? Can you stay offline all weekend?

TGIF!

 

Daycare: When You Have No Other Choice

I've been interviewed by a few reporters this week to talk about the recent study that shows how daycare impacts children's behavior. It's odd being, being on the opposite side of the reporter's chair. I'm used to asking the questions, not answering them.

Regarding this new University of Maryland study, it certainly has sparked a fire in the media, in the blog world and in discussions among working parents. Especially since it comes on the heels of news accounts last week of a study that says moms are spending more time with their children that in the past.

The reporters I spoke with understood my frustration with the daycare study -- that there are several variables that weren't addressed in media accounts or even explored by researchers. The study simply looks at the "what," but not the "why."

Perhaps the worst part of this study is that there's no solution to the supposed problem.

When you read about a study that says there are cancer-causing chemicals in your child's bath soap, the solution is simple. You find another product to use.

But with childcare, you only have so many options. For many, daycare may be the only option. And when you read a story that says daycare will cause your child to be more disruptive, what do you do with that information?

Sure, it's easy for me to say file it away in the back of your brain, but if you already experience pangs of doubt or guilt for sending your child to daycare -- like so many working moms do -- studies like this play in to your worst fears, as they did for Jamie Heller of The Juggle.

I'm eager to see what the backlash will be as a result of this study. And I'm even more eager to see if the University of Maryland will publish a study that says how we can solve this problem of kids being disruptive as a result of spending time in daycare.

But for some reason, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon.

Daycare Dilemma: Will Your Child Turn into A Disruptive Demon?

Yet another study is out to put more weight on the shoulders of working parents whose children spend time in daycare. Published in the journal, Child Development, new research concludes that preschoolers who spend more than one year in daycare are more disruptive in the classroom through sixth grade. However, children who went to high-end daycare had better vocabularies through grade school.

I don't want to get mired in the nitty gritty of the study. You can read more about it in this article from The New York Times. One thing to note is that the article did state that the effects of daycare "were  slight, and well within the normal range for healthy children," according to the researchers. So what exactly does that mean? And if it's well within the normal range for healthy children, what's all the fuss? We're all focusing on the headline...Daycare will RUIN your kids. Run for the hills!

And can someone please find me one single article that defines what they mean by "disruptive behavior"? Is it talking in class? Passing notes? Pulling someone's hair? Or humming the latest song by J. Lo? Because I was guilty of all of those things (except I hummed songs by Def Leppard)...and I never went to daycare because my mom didn't work outside of the home.

When I worked at a large networking company in Silicon Valley, I was fortunate enough to have on-site child daycare available to me. After my first son was born, there was no question about me returning to work. I had to do it. And there was no question as to where my son would be while I was in the office. He went to the on-site daycare facility twice a week, eight hours a day, from the time he was 10 months old until he switched to a new preschool at three years old. (I had a flex schedule and grandparents that cared for him on the other days, in case you were wondering.)

Did he pick up a few bad habits? Sure. We dealt with biting, hitting and phase of him putting his fingers in his mouth. Habits he didn't have until someone else in his class started it. And sure enough, the entire class followed allong. Did those habits go away? Yup. We worked with his teachers to nip the nastiness in the bud. And did he share the love with his own quirks? I'm sure of it. But that's the way children in group care work...from the youngest of ages all the way through, well, forever now that I think about it.

But being in daycare taught him how enjoy time away from his parents. It showed him he could have fun and learn from people other than mom and dad. He has an insatiable curiosity -- he always has -- and his daycare providers didn't let that flounder. The encouraged it. In fact, one afternoon when I picked him up from school, his teacher pulled me aside and gave me an alphabet tool to help him learn the difference between capital and lowercase letters. She said that she didn't hand them out to all the kids, but he was ready for a new challenge and she wanted to keep him engaged in the classroom.

Daycare also taught him how to sit at at table during lunch and snack time with 12 other kids. They ate family style, passing food around and spooning up meals on their plates. The first time I walked in on his class during a meal -- and there was no chaos -- I was floored.

Preschool is not an option for my younger son. The preschools in my area only accept children when they are nearly three years old. He just missed the age cut off for next fall. We have a babysitter now, but come September he'll also be spending time in daycare. And guess what? I want him too. I want him to have the same wonderful experience that his older brother did. I want him to play with other kids and enjoy time away from mom and dad. 

There are so very many variables left out of news reports on this study. Like what was happening on the home front of the children in daycare. How much time did the parents spend with their kids after daycare? How many hours were the kids in daycare? Was there an active partnership between the educators and parents if children were seen as disruptive? And what were those kids like DURING the day? Were they disruptive then? Because it doesn't take a genius to tell you that high-energy, "spirited" kids usually stay that way.

My parting words: If you are happy with your daycare situation and your children are thriving, don't let this study get your knickers in a twist. If you are evaluating daycare for your child, don't remove it from your option list just yet. You know your children better than anyone else. Stay engaged and participate in their education from the moment they begin any sort of group care situation. Partner with their care providers. 

Read the media coverage, make a mental note, and move on.

Any Anti Wi-Fi working moms?

I'm interested in chatting with some working moms who don't have Wi-Fi at home by choice for a Job-Mom piece I'm researching. And if you're a working mom and you have Wi-Fi at home, I'd love to hear from you too.

Leave a comment and I'll email you back.

MomsRising House Party: Moms with a Cause

I had the wonderful opportunity to help host a Maya's Mom/MomsRising House Party earlier this week. MomsRising is a mother's advocacy group focused on empowering moms in the workplace.

MomsRising House Parties are usually small gatherings, usually of working moms, where the host(s) show the organization's documentary, The Motherhood Manifesto. We took a different approached and screened the film for more than 30 moms and several dads. It was so amazing to see all of these folks take time out of their hectic days to watch this film. But even more fun was witnessing these moms get inspired and yes, feel more empowered, about driving change.

The Motherhood Manifesto is simply a must-see film for any mom and dad. If you haven't had the chance to view it, please do. Between the personal stories shared by the families in the film and the staggering data provided about the United States appalling lack of support structure for working moms compared to other parts of the globe, you'll not know what hit you. Some details presented in the film that  jumped out at me:

• Did you know that 40,000 kindergartners are home alone after school everyday in the U.S because their parents can't pay for childcare? So terribly sad.
• And on the subject of paid family leave, the U.S. falls below every westernized country in the world  -- along with Lesotho/Swaziland and Papua New Guinea.
• Most working moms believe flexibility is more important than earning alot of money.

I think every single person in the room had an incredibly heavy heart after watching the film. No doubt about it. The Motherhood Manifesto makes you sad. As part of the screening, I moderated a question and answer session with the attendees and it was very difficult not to get emotional about the topics at hand: equal pay, flexible schedules, adequate maternity leave, and universal healthcare. The discussions were passionate. All eagerly listened as others shared their personal stories, some of which included:

• A mom wanting to work but having to leave her job because her salary would barely cover childcare costs.
• A mom who was pregnant in business school and was told to hold off on finding a job until post graduation because "no would hire a pregnant women."
• An mom who works in HR and spoke to maternal profiling

Job-Mom is a blog about work-life balance. We can only complain so much about our jobs and our lack of work-life balance. There are only so many "hacks" we can come up with to get around working too much, not having enough time at home with our kids, not having enough time for our spouses...or ourselves. Our lives are too short to spend feeling angry about having to choose flexibility over salary. We shouldn't be so busy that we can't keep our days straight (that would be my personal issue right now).

And then there comes a point where we have to decide if we're going to either stick with what we have or make changes (That's my nice way of saying "put up or shut up.")

At the end of our MomsRising House Party, we ended the evening with one overarching theme: we're putting up our dukes. We DO have the power to change the way moms are treating in the workplace. We do have the ability to help all working parents achieve better work-life balance. There is no better time than now, especially with the upcoming presidential election.

If you want to take a step to help drive change -- here's an easy way. You don't even have to get up from your chair. Click here to help stop maternal profiling in Pennsylvania.

[Steps off soapbox. Thanks for listening!]

 

Elizabeth Edwards: Giggles and Mud

A few months ago I had the privilege of meeting Elizabeth Edwards. Along with a crew from the Silicon Valley Moms Blog, we met her during a book tour for Saving Grace: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Stranges, which is a memoir about her dealing with the death of her son. It also addresses her battle with breast cancer.

At the meeting, she gave us her personal email address. After those of us who met her blogged about it, she responded to these posts on our personal blogs and there was no question -- it was her responding. She became a friend. And she is a brilliant, sweet, strong, classy, and genuine person.

And so yesterday, when I read that Elizabeth and her husband, presidential candidate John Edwards, would be holding a press conference to talk about Elizabeth's current health, my heart dropped...as it would if a friend were about to tell me her cancer had returned. In fact within minutes, those of us that met her were emailing back and forth about the press conference, praying that our friend, Elizabeth Edwards, would be okay.

Today's news is that Elizabeth Edwards' cancer had returned, but this time while it is treatable, there is no cure. She will receive treatment for the rest of her life. She was as upbeat, optimistic and strong as she appeared during our meeting. You can't help but cheer for her.

There's much fodder in the blog world right now about recent news that moms are spending more time with their kids than in the past. The Today Show even went so far as to have experts talking about "the Mommy Guilt epidemic." (No joke, they actually used the phrase "mommy guilt epidemic.")

One of the reasons meeting Elizabeth Edwards impacted me is because in one hour, she said something that put not just work-life balance into perspective, but life overall. And it's become a simple phrase that I repeat to myself whenever I'm feeling mom guilt coming on.

The phrase? Giggles and mud.

Someone asked about the parallels between Elizabeth's life and that of Hilary Clinton. Elizabeth described how their life paths were nearly identical yet they both made drastically different choices for their careers. As Elizabeth said of her decision to stay at home with her kids, "I chose giggles and mud."

Not everyone can choose to stay home with their kids like Elizabeth did. And as a working mom, it's sometimes difficult to push the "off" button when we get home. Personally, it's always been one of my biggest challenges. I still work -- and work hard -- but since that afternoon when we chatted with Elizabeth Edwards, I've started choosing giggles and mud as much as I can. And it's been life changing.

Giggles and mud. It's one choice that should never cause guilt.

Or regret.

St. Patrick's Day Crafts

I've got some Irish heritage in my family. The freckles on my face certainly mask my Latina side. But when I'm cranky, the Irish-Latina mix definitely works in my favor. I celebrate my Latina side on a daily basis. My sons both speak Spanish and now more about Latin food than mac n' cheese. But the Irish side somehow takes a back seat.

Until St. Patrick's Day.

My boys will be sporting their Irish green attire and since St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday this year, we'll be crafting up a storm at home. I'm not super crafty, but I'm excited about breaking out the art box. As a working parent, I sometimes feel like I miss out on typical "holiday craft" fun during the school year because it occurs during my work day. Evenings aren't the best time to make up for it when they can be filled witching hours and bedtime chaos.

After a my search for St. Patrick's Day projects for kids, here's what's on my list:

Kaboose: Kaboose wears the crown for its entire page devoted to St. Patrick's Day crafts for kids. What's no to love about this Shamrock Hat or Leprechaun Mobile?

Amazing Moms: My oldest son, who I now affectionately call "Five", will love making this Leprechaun Trap. With talk of "quick and crafty" leprechauns and leaving lures of chocolate coins to bait them in, I'm sure this could certainly become an annual tradition. While the material list has things like pipe cleaners and glitter on it, don't let this one turn you off. We're taking a shoe box, some green paper and whatever else we have on hand to trick out this trap. Like my Valentine's Day Craft Ideas, I am all about ease.

FamilyFun.com: FamilyFun.com also ranks high on my list of craft fun, but you'll need to hit your local Michael's crafts store to prepare. The St. Patrick's Day ideas can bring some fun to younger kids and the 'tween set. Hey, even a teen might like the Lucky Charm key chain. My favorite, though, is the Luck O' the Irish Shamrock Cap.

Family Crafts at About.com: Sherri Osborn, guide of About.com's Family Craft section, has some easy craft ideas for Patrick's Day. I like that she includes legends of the day which the other sites don't mention. And if your kid is particularly untested in details (the perpetual "why?" guy), the you should check this out. My pick is her Make a Pot of Gold craft, which is especially kid and parent friendly. The supply list is consists of a paper plate, an empty toilet or paper towel roll, glue and paint. Me likey. And if you want to jazz it up, you can add a penny (instead of the real Irish currency that is in the sample photo...show off).

Are you celebrating St. Patrick's Day with your kids? And will you be getting crafty?

 

Pregnancy Chasers Beware...We're On to You

Self Made Mom Sara introduced me to a new term this week: the Pregnancy Chaser.

You know...the person who sees  a working and pregnant woman and spots an opportunity to pick up where the gal is about leave off when she goes on maternity leave. Says Self Made Mom, it's "someone who scopes out opportunity for advancement that a preggo co-worker can’t help but leave behind." And sometimes that pregnancy chaser hopes that working and pregnant woman will never return to the office.

Does this sound familiar? Because it did to me. I most certainly had a pregnancy chaser tracking my moves when I was expecting my second baby. I can't get into the nitty gritty details, although trust me, I'd love to dish the dirt. But I remember it vividly, and I was more than upset. Even though I wasn't enamored with my job, it was still my job.  To boot, I was stressed about my pregnancy and what? Now I had to worry about someone trying to swipe my job because I was pregnant? 

Self Made Mom has serious moxie for admitting she was a pregnancy chaser in her pre-kid days. I love that kind of honesty. And her advice to the pregnancy chasers is spot on. Can we say karma?

" ...chaser, stop chasing, ’cause you’ll get your due at some point."

Have you been pregnancy chased? Or were you the chaser?

The Neo-Nomad Worker: The New Bedouin?

Where do you work? In a home office? In a cube? A little of both or  all of one?

I "technically" work from home, but the truth is that I have a remote office. It's the tiny table in the corner of several local coffee houses. They are close to home, have the white noise that I need to write, and offer free Wi-Fi access. I only need an electrical outlet and I've got my (usually) trusty cell phone so there's no need for a corporate land line.

And surprise, surprise. Those of us working from coffee shops have a new label...and one that I quite like: we're the "new Bedouins."

The term " Bedouin" refers to nomadic Arabs who wandered in the desert.

According to a story that came out in Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle, Bedouins are a "new breed of worker, fueled by caffeine and using the the tools of modern technology." Apparently these "Noe nomads" are all over the San Francisco coffee house scene using a table and free Wi-Fi access as their business hubs. (But shhh, I'll tell you a secret: We're all over Silicon Valley too.)

The article focuses on a few folks building Internet startups and how they are conserving their cash by working at coffee shops versus renting out office space. Some are loyal to their neighborhood coffee house venues. The only catch is that many of these independent outlets shut of their free Wi-Fi access on the weekends to keep tables open and moving. Others swear by Starbucks coffee shops, even though you have to spend money to access their T-Mobile Hot Spots. And where local coffee shops usually have that fun, relaxed, free-flowing vibe, Starbucks cafes score points for a more professional feel. You can often spot business meetings taking place at their many tables an couches.

Personally, I use my local coffee houses for long writing days. I'll hit a nearby Starbucks coffee shop when I have to do a phone call because I can stay at my table. Conference calls at the 'bucks is a norm in my hood. But taking a call at my local independent coffee shop would be a definite no-no.

Writers have long used coffee houses as their home away from home. But now free Wi-Fi access is an extra bonus (or not, depending on how much you like to procrastinate). So it's interesting to see this story come out about the new-age Bedouin. At the same time, I love it. Remember, I'm an anti-9-to-5 working mom so the fact that I have more options on where conduct more work day, the better for me. I like my mix of being in the office (or garage) some days but truth be told, I can't write unless I'm in my zone.

When you work remotely, do you every use coffee shop as your place of business? Or do you prefer to be in the cube or at a home office?

Daylight Savings Time Starts Tomorrow

Are you ready to Spring Forward? Because I sure am.

Daylight Savings Time starts at 2am on Sunday, March 11. Don't forget to set your clocks forward tonight before the sandman arrives. And it can't come soon enough for me. First, as an avid baseball fan, I'm looking forward to seeing some of my favorite players play ball for my home team.

But I have four distinct reasons for loving this early Daylight Savings start. What are they? I'm glad you asked! 

1. Daylight savings = my son sleeping in. My oldest son, 5, has become an early riser. His body is sensing the time change. And for the past two weeks, he's been waking up at 5-5:30 am. Nap, no nap, early bedtime, late bedtime. Doesn't matter. He STILL wakes up between 5-5:30 am. Spring forward means his circadian clock will return to normal. I'm diggin' that.

2. My son sleeping in = getting my "me time" back.  I'm an early riser myself, but I use that precious time to get a jump start on my work day or enjoy some quiet time. Lately, as soon as I wake up and get myself situated in my office, I hear the pitter patter of my son's feet coming to look for me. I'll admit it...I'm selfish when it comes to "me time." I want it. And hopefully with Daylight Savings starting tomorrow, I'll get it back. Yay!

3. "Me time" = More Sleep (or Snuggle) Time. What? You think I wake up at 5am every day of the week? Puleeze. The early riser comes out about three days a week. And it's usually on the days when I'm not going to spend a night working to the wee hours.  I work early, I work late. I need my zzzz's. And now I have a study to back me! (Hello, I could have told you that most working mothers don't get enough sleep.) Getting my "me time" back means I can catch some extra sleep or maybe even snuggle with the hubs while both sons are also snug in their beds. Goodness all around.

4. More Sleep (or Snuggle) = Happy Mama. Remember..."If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

I know, me me me. But I'm serious when I say that more sleep equals a happy mama. I also appreciate the extra hours of daylight that allows for more family time. My husband gets home from work after 6pm it's nice to be able to hit our local park after dinner or go for a nice walk. We also spend ample time chasing our boys around the backyard or doing some late night gardening.

Working parents often get consumed by the day-to-day grind. But for some reason, I know my husband and I seem mentally lighter when we can spend more time outdoors and in the sun.  And that alone, is enough for me to want to push the clock forward.