Tara Bishop, M.D., on the Mommy Track

Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland

I am a huge fan of all moms who are willing to share their stories about being working moms, becoming stay at home moms, or taking the off and on ramp in their careers. The latest find is an essay at Babble by Tara Bishop, M.D., a doctor with degrees from MIT and Cornell.

In Dr. Mom, Bishop covers mom guilt, being on the mommy track, thoughts on mommy war books, and her difficult decision to put her career temporarily on hold -- taking the off ramp -- to be with her two young sons. I appreciate her candor and and the fact that she can address both sides of the fence: the angle of the working mom and the stay at home mom with a desire to be back at work. She makes no apologies for her decisions, nor should she. But she admits the pangs of guilt that strike moms who've chosen to take the off ramp. Dr. Bishop writes:

Judith Warner, in her book Perfect Madness, says that "'choice' is the fetish word of our generation." We are the generation that took pride in the fact that we could break the glass ceiling or devote our lives to our children; society would accept anything. But it won't. It's very difficult to work overnights when you're breastfeeding. There's always pressure to work more. So we have to give up something. And if you're an educated woman, that usually means neglecting your kids or your career, and feeling guilty either way.

My favorite line in her essay deals with the mommy wars: "...I don't see any battle between stay-at-home moms and working moms. All I see is a war we're all fighting with ourselves." Amen to that.

Personal essays like Dr. Mom by Tara Bishop are so important for all moms to read. I think it's especially important for those moms torn between their roles as mothers and career women, and for moms who easily pass judgment on other moms who take different life paths.

Far too often we read and hear that you have to make a single choice. You either opt in or opt out. If you leave you career for the mommy track, you've kissed your future -- financial, emotional, and personal -- good bye. You've wasted your education. You've let future working moms down. You've set a bad example for young girls to emulate. Oh, and by the way, you've pushed feminism back. That's not too much weight on your shoulders, is it?

Dr. Bishops story lets us know yes, working moms can take a career time out, and yes, we can change our ambitions and aspirations without considering it a downgrade. It's an adjustment.  All that matters is that you make peace with yourself.

I want to come across more stories like this one -- that show the complexities of being a mom without the jargon and babble, and most especially without the guilt.

So if you have a story to tell, let me know.

Comments

[Lynne Becker]

Hi -
I just started blogging & I'm so ready.

At first I was intimidated & didn't really find the right set of mom bloggers, but I'm there now. I really enjoyed this article & would like to learn more about the consistency that everyone uses to stayed up-to-date with the blogging. Is it daily, weekly, whenever the mood strikes you? Is there a way to get instant notification when a new blog is posted?

I have lots to say & share.
please let me know http://metookids.blogspot.com/

thanks
Me Too Mommy

[BHT]

Over 24 years ago I went to school and earned my AA. I worked in my industry for 3 years than left to raise my children. I became a stay at home Mom but, still took classes in my favorit subjects. About 11 years ago I divorced, went backed to school earning a BA in Art last year and now looking for a job in my field. I find in very difficult to find work because of my age ( over 50) and lack of experience. I have tried several options but, so far I get passed by by younger women in the same industry ( which is fashion design). If anyone has any similiar situations I would be interested in your story of success.
Thanks,
BHT

[Marian]

It's really difficult balancing a career and a family. "Guilt" is the operative word. Guilt about not seeing my daughter enough; Guilt about assigning responsibility to my husband; Guilt about not finishing my master's degree; Guilt about thinking of quitting and letting down my team. I shouldn't let it consume me but it does. But my goal is to keep looking for a happy medium. For one, I'm giving up a dream fashion job in manhattan to be closer to home. So I'm not completely giving up working, just coming to some happy mediums. It's all about finding a compromise. I give credit to both moms: moms who stay home (cause that's alot of darn work) and mom's who work (i'm in your boat). Good luck to all. You deserve recognition either way!

[Prisca]

All due respect, but what nonsense! choice is NOT a 'fetish' word. Choice is a reality - you choose your path in life, whether to stay at home or go to work, and whether to be happy or not about that choice. There has been enough working mothers for us to realise by now what the Pros and cons of working are. We must take responsibility for our choices and accept the consequences that are associated with them. That includes bitterness from co-workers when our professions suffer because of our 'at-home' role, or bitterness from our families when their needs suffer because of our work role. Personally, I feel it is about priorities - are you working for your family or for yourself? Think about it...

[jahmill]

i understand where this mother is coming from. i was in an unfortunate situation when my daughter was born, i was young (19)and single at the time, and had no other choice but return to work when she was 6 weeks old. she is now 11 and even though i have remained a full time working mother her entire life, i feel that she and i are closer because of this than we would have been if i stayed home with her. sounds odd, right, but i have to admit for us, it has worked out. of course i have felt twangs of guilt from time to time ( i took off to attend her first day of school, but had to miss her first winter holiday concert due to work) but when we do have "mommy & daughter days" we are both a lot more appreciative of the time we spend together and don't take each other for granted. don't get me wrong, had i been able to make the choice to stay home with her, i would have. but if as a mother you do end up a working mom (be it out of true "necissity" or choice) don't let what others say about you prevent you from diong what's best for you and your family. kids are hardy and can preservere through many things if properly guided and educated. just learn how to talk to your kids early on and let them understand your happiness (and in some cases their financial survival) is dependent on you being away and these circumstances, though unfair at times, in no way shape or form affect the love you have for them and your desire to take care of them and keep them happy and safe.

[melanie]

Hello, I'm new to this post. How about this? I'm a stay at home mom and went to school to become an aesthetician (skin therapist), and when I got out and found all these jobs, they wanted to pay commission. I can't afford to put my 26 mo. and 5 mo. old in daycare, and my husband is barely bringing home enough to pay the bills. I do work part time at my local YMCA where I can bring my babies and earn about $80 per week. I'm thinking about going back to school to be a teacher. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. God Bless!!!