Hiding Motherhood in the Workplace

Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland

A few months ago I wrote about taking off the wedding ring as part of job interview preparation. As I wrote in that post, I wouldn't want to work anywhere that made me even think I had to hide my marriage to get the job.

But what about my kids? Would I hide, or downplay, motherhood at work to avoid hurting my career? That's the question Nataly asked me and a few other bloggers in her post, "Coming out the closet...as a mom," over at Work-It Mom.

The short answer is "No."

But there's history to that answer.

I once mentioned that at a previous corporate gig, I once hid the fact that I worked from home while taking care of my infant son. Working from home wasn't the problem. In fact, working from home was encouraged. It was the baby in the house that was the issue. As a colleague once told me, the fact that I was more productive than my peers (their words, not mine) would never matter. That I could do so working at at home -- while watching a baby -- and seamlessly get the job done wouldn't matter either. In fact, it was this that could hurt me.

I hid it. And then I realized it wasn't something I wanted other new moms in the office to know about. If the company wasn't going to empower them, I wanted to help empower them.

Times have changed. I've left my corporate job and now work on my own as a writer and editor. I'm open with my clients. I let them know upfront that I have kids and yes, there may be a time or two...or ten...that my sons will get sick and I just may miss a deadline. I've even met deadlines with a sick baby sleeping on my chest. I schedule calls around nap times, and I'm open about that too. I talk about my kids often, but not on purpose. I genuinely adore my kids and like most parents, think they are the coolest, sweetest, funniest boys on the planet.

All of this doesn't detract from one overarching fact: You can still be a mom, deal with sick kids, miss a deadline or two, and everything else that gets tossed your way -- and still be a professional. Just because you're a mom, it doesnt' mean you're on the "mom track."

It sounds so simplistic for me to say, but this entire discussion just makes me sad on so many levels.

Like my post about taking off a wedding ring during a job interview, I wouldn't want to work at a place that didn't accept motherhood as part of my life. I'm talking more than just on the surface. It's easy to toss up a Mothers Room and on-site daycare. I mean at the managerial level. I'll stop before I rant (even more).

Here's my question for Nataly, and I'll even toss it to Avi at Work it, Dad! -- how many dads are hiding their fatherhood at work? I say not many.

Comments

[Nataly]

Charlene,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this - I do think it is a tough and important conversation to be having. It's been great to hear many different perspectives from moms in a variety of careers and what's apparent is that whether or not we hide our mom identity at work depends on many things, including the particular work environment (Selfmademom, for example, works in a company that is very kid and family friendly so they welcome her talking about being a mom).

And I agree with you - this discussion makes me sad as well. It is sad to me that the same people who treated me with respect when I was in venture capital seem to judge me differently when I talk about running a company "that has something to do with moms" (their words, not mine).

I think your question is right on re fathers - and my quick answer is no, they don't hide it. In fact, I think when they talk about it they see it as a positive - it makes them appear kinder, more compassionate, more human in the workplace. But I'll make sure to pass on your question to Avi to answer at Work It, Dad!