Hiding Motherhood in the Workplace

A few months ago I wrote about taking off the wedding ring as part of job interview preparation. As I wrote in that post, I wouldn't want to work anywhere that made me even think I had to hide my marriage to get the job.

But what about my kids? Would I hide, or downplay, motherhood at work to avoid hurting my career? That's the question Nataly asked me and a few other bloggers in her post, "Coming out the closet...as a mom," over at Work-It Mom.

The short answer is "No."

But there's history to that answer.

I once mentioned that at a previous corporate gig, I once hid the fact that I worked from home while taking care of my infant son. Working from home wasn't the problem. In fact, working from home was encouraged. It was the baby in the house that was the issue. As a colleague once told me, the fact that I was more productive than my peers (their words, not mine) would never matter. That I could do so working at at home -- while watching a baby -- and seamlessly get the job done wouldn't matter either. In fact, it was this that could hurt me.

I hid it. And then I realized it wasn't something I wanted other new moms in the office to know about. If the company wasn't going to empower them, I wanted to help empower them.

Times have changed. I've left my corporate job and now work on my own as a writer and editor. I'm open with my clients. I let them know upfront that I have kids and yes, there may be a time or two...or ten...that my sons will get sick and I just may miss a deadline. I've even met deadlines with a sick baby sleeping on my chest. I schedule calls around nap times, and I'm open about that too. I talk about my kids often, but not on purpose. I genuinely adore my kids and like most parents, think they are the coolest, sweetest, funniest boys on the planet.

All of this doesn't detract from one overarching fact: You can still be a mom, deal with sick kids, miss a deadline or two, and everything else that gets tossed your way -- and still be a professional. Just because you're a mom, it doesnt' mean you're on the "mom track."

It sounds so simplistic for me to say, but this entire discussion just makes me sad on so many levels.

Like my post about taking off a wedding ring during a job interview, I wouldn't want to work at a place that didn't accept motherhood as part of my life. I'm talking more than just on the surface. It's easy to toss up a Mothers Room and on-site daycare. I mean at the managerial level. I'll stop before I rant (even more).

Here's my question for Nataly, and I'll even toss it to Avi at Work it, Dad! -- how many dads are hiding their fatherhood at work? I say not many.

Helping Kids Adjust When A Spouse Must Travel for Work

My husband's job requires that he travel for work on a regular basis. I always have advance notice of at least a week for any business trip, which gives me plenty of time to plan how I will handle my work situation when he's away. And based on my experiences, I've offered some of my tips how I, as a working mom, manage the juggle of work/life balance when my spouse must travel for work.

But managing the juggle of work/life balance when a spouse has a business trip becomes a tiny bit more complicated when your kids are having trouble adjusting to mom or dad being away. A one-night trip is a breeze, but sometimes longer trips -- or trips that become regular -- can send little ones into a tailspin. And when I say "little ones," I'm referring to kids older than two years old but younger than ten.

The saying, "Time flies when you're having fun" has never been more true then when you're on your own watching the kids. And if you make it fun for them -- and for you -- it can make a huge difference in helping everyone adjust to a parent's travels.

I have two simple tricks up my sleeve when it comes to making sure my husband's business trips don't turn my two sons into tiny train wrecks. Keep in mind these ideas work well when a spouse is gone one to three nights. Anything longer and you'll need to call in for back up!

-Routine, routine, routine. My boys love routine. They need to know what's coming. But on the days my husband is away, it goes out the window and another plan goes into action. It's called, the "Daddy's Away!"  and for my sons, it means French toast for breakfast, cream of cauliflower soup and homemade croutons for dinner, chocolate chip cookies for dessert, an extra long bath and extra stories at bedtime. Every. Single. Time.  And at dinner time, I let my oldest son read a special book at the dinner table -- a definite "no-no" any other day. One night I accidentally told my son he couldn't read at the table and he said, "But Mom, you always let me read a book when Daddy's traveling." Touché.

Sometimes the bath is short, sometimes they are too tired for extra stories, but they both know that the days that Daddy's away are special for the three of us. Routine.

-Keep the kids busy. When you get home from work, make sure you keep the kids active. Let them help you with dinner. Have them pick out post-dinner books and toys you'll be playing with. Better yet, post dinner, take them to the park. Even a short 15 minute burst of park time can make the evening go faster for them (and you).

I swear by these two tips and I've had plenty of time and opportunity to test out other ideas during my husband's travels. And I'm sure if he were writing this post, his approach to my business travel and his playing single dad would be summed up in one phrase: "Go with the flow!" Perhaps because I only travel a few times a year, compared to his wacky schedule.

Okay, so you've read my tips on helping kids adjust when a spouse has to travel for work. What about yours?

 

 

 

In the Cube: Tales from Working Mom Blogs

I'm a blog addict. The list of blogs I read grows daily and over the past few weeks, I've noticed an increase in the number of working mom blogs sprouting up on the web. The content ranges from news-related blogs to personal accounts of working mom-hood from those of us in the trenches. If you're looking to add to your list of blogs about working moms, check out these newbies...either brand new or just new to me in the blogosphere:

Work-It Mom Blogs
Work-It is a new social network for working moms and the site recently launched a handful of new blogs written by some of my favorite writers in the blogosphere. The Work-It Mom blogs that I read regularly include Cornered Office by Mir Kamin and The Working Closet by Susan Wagner.

-In Cornered Office, Mir talks about the challenges and perks of being a freelance writer, which I can definitely relate to with my gig. If you have kids and have ever considered being a freelancer or independent consultant, keep this blog on your list.

-The Working Closet focuses on one of my other loves: fashion! Being fashionable in the workplace can be tough if you don't have a wad of cash handy to drop on the latest designs, so I really like Susan's goal -- to create a wardrobe that works for your body and your life and your budget.

You should also check mark Work-It, Dad by Avi Spivack. He's the lone daddy blogger on the site and will be providing color commentary on what it's like for "the other half" of working parenthood. I'm eager to see what's in his line up of posts.

Career and Kids
Career and Kids is one of b5media's blogs and is lead by Elizabeth, a nurse and mom of three kids the cover the preschool to 'tween age range. I dig the story topics Elizabeth writes about because they cover more of the day-to-day elements of being a working mom, like how to get through dinner and great gifts for your children's teachers. Most of writers of the working mom blogs I read have kids the same age as mine -- or younger -- so I also appreciate being able to see what the juggle is like for a mom with children older than mine. I think Elizabeth provides a great perspective and if you want some added fun, go check out her personal blog at Busymom.net.

View from a Broad
Okay, I lied. View from a Broad is not a working moms blog. In fact, San Jose Mercury News reporter Sue Hutchison admits that she's not interested in having kids. But in her weekly column, she does write about issues that are of interest to women. And even though she's not a working mom, she pays particular attention to this space. One of my favorite things about Sue is that she takes such a great interest in the challenges and issues facing motherhood. I expect her new blog to cover motherhood and kids, judging from her recent post on mom wars.

What working mom blogs should I take a look at next?

Tara Bishop, M.D., on the Mommy Track

I am a huge fan of all moms who are willing to share their stories about being working moms, becoming stay at home moms, or taking the off and on ramp in their careers. The latest find is an essay at Babble by Tara Bishop, M.D., a doctor with degrees from MIT and Cornell.

In Dr. Mom, Bishop covers mom guilt, being on the mommy track, thoughts on mommy war books, and her difficult decision to put her career temporarily on hold -- taking the off ramp -- to be with her two young sons. I appreciate her candor and and the fact that she can address both sides of the fence: the angle of the working mom and the stay at home mom with a desire to be back at work. She makes no apologies for her decisions, nor should she. But she admits the pangs of guilt that strike moms who've chosen to take the off ramp. Dr. Bishop writes:

Judith Warner, in her book Perfect Madness, says that "'choice' is the fetish word of our generation." We are the generation that took pride in the fact that we could break the glass ceiling or devote our lives to our children; society would accept anything. But it won't. It's very difficult to work overnights when you're breastfeeding. There's always pressure to work more. So we have to give up something. And if you're an educated woman, that usually means neglecting your kids or your career, and feeling guilty either way.

My favorite line in her essay deals with the mommy wars: "...I don't see any battle between stay-at-home moms and working moms. All I see is a war we're all fighting with ourselves." Amen to that.

Personal essays like Dr. Mom by Tara Bishop are so important for all moms to read. I think it's especially important for those moms torn between their roles as mothers and career women, and for moms who easily pass judgment on other moms who take different life paths.

Far too often we read and hear that you have to make a single choice. You either opt in or opt out. If you leave you career for the mommy track, you've kissed your future -- financial, emotional, and personal -- good bye. You've wasted your education. You've let future working moms down. You've set a bad example for young girls to emulate. Oh, and by the way, you've pushed feminism back. That's not too much weight on your shoulders, is it?

Dr. Bishops story lets us know yes, working moms can take a career time out, and yes, we can change our ambitions and aspirations without considering it a downgrade. It's an adjustment.  All that matters is that you make peace with yourself.

I want to come across more stories like this one -- that show the complexities of being a mom without the jargon and babble, and most especially without the guilt.

So if you have a story to tell, let me know.

Managing Work/Life Balance When a Spouse Travels

Over at The Juggle this week, writer Sara Schaefer Muñoz asked how parents manage the juggle of work/life balance when one spouse is traveling. She writes:

"Most couples have finely-tuned weekday schedules that allow them to balance the demands of work and family. An absent spouse can foil the routine."

There's no question, being the "single parent" for a a few days can turn a family on its rump. But in my experience, it's the finely-tuned schedule that makes work/life balance entirely possible when my husband is away on business travel. The challenge becomes less about the juggle and more focused on how to avoid utter exhaustion.

Being a working parent and managing a family has its own challenges, but as any single parent can attest, doing it own your own can be downright back breaking. Before I go on, I should offer my street cred: Keep in mind, I say this as a parent to two sons (5 and 2 years old), and as the proud new owner of a 7-week-old puppy, which is essentially like adding a newborn into the mix. I work 30-35 hours a week as a work-from-home freelance editor and writer, and I have a babysitter that watches my kids for about 15 of those hours. The rest of the time, I'm being a slash/mom.

My husband does travel for work frequently, and when the cat's away, this mouse has established a few habits that make those days much more manageable.

-Set your alarm clock to wake you 30 minutes earlier: "Are you insane?" you ask. Why on earth would you want to wake up 30 minutes before the kids instead of savoring those precious extra moments of sleep? Hear me out. If you wake up just 30 minutes earlier -- you'll likely have some quiet time...to take a shower, to make your lunch, to get some household chores done, to get ready for your day own your own.  If you wake up when the kids do, or at your normal time, the fact that you're on your own will  hit you like a ton of bricks. Use those extra 30 minutes to fill in the gaps without a scramble.

-Don't stay up late: Yes. Get to bed early. The natural tendency is to stay up late to make up for the things you didn't get one earlier in the day, to get ahead sending emails, folding laundry, or lying in  catatonic state while watching television. But then you're up late. Personally, I'd rather wake up early any day then go to be late and feel that "I'm dead tired" hangover in the morning. Especially when I have a day at work ahead of me along with playing single mom.

-Order out on one of the nights your spouse is away: One of the toughest moments of the day is coming home to make dinner. You're tired. You're kids are ready to melt. And you have to cook. Forget it -- at least for one night. Before you leave to pick up your kids from daycare or school, order take out. You're working hard -- give yourself a treat. Plus you may even have leftovers to last the next night.

-Have a strong support network: I'm lucky -- I'll even go so far as to say I'm blessed -- because both my husband's and my family live within in 20-minute drive. If I'm in a bind or need babysitting help, I'm usually okay. What I'm talking about, though, is a different support network. One of my best pals is another mom who can relate to my situation. Her husband also travels frequently, she works full time and she has two kids. We line up post-work play dates for our kids and host each other for dinner when our spouses are away. When we're at each other's homes, we both know we're in a safe spot -- we have empathy for each other because we know how hard the juggle can be. Everyone needs a friend who can relate. And as the saying goes, time does fly when you're having fun.

Next post: what do you do to help your kids adjust to a spouse who travels...

 

Does your spouse travel? What are your tips for managing work/life/family balance when your spouse is away?

From Mom to Mompreneur?

I guess you can say I'm a mompreneur. I left my comfortable corporate gig to venture out into the freelance writing world. I started my own business, so to speak, though it's hardly going to make me rich anytime soon (when I land that book deal, you know, the dream of every writer!). And according to a recent story by CNNMoney.com, being a mom gives me some extra skills to be run a business.

The article focuses on a new book by Tamara Monosoff, the CEO of Mom Inventors, who recently published  Secrets of Millionaire Moms.  Her book profiles several well-known and high-profile working moms including Julie Aigner Clark and her mompreneur-legendary story of founding Baby Einstein. What working mom -- keen to start her own business -- doesn't know the story? From Clark's need for a more infant-focused video for her daughter to creating the very basic first Baby Mozart, with classic baby toys as action figures moving to classical tunes. And of course, Disney's acquisition of Baby Einstein back in 2001.

Julie Aigner Clark's story, as well as those of other momprenuers, are definitely inspiring to those moms who want to make the jump from running the household to also running a business. The CNNMoney article mentions being organized and methodical as helpful  -- and almost inherent -- to aspiring mompreneurs. Monosoff also mentions that moms also have a "great deal of stamina" that will aid in the time required to launch a new company. No arguments on that one.

Those skills I've learned as a mom that have most helped me in my job are not about organization or stamina, but more about patience, people-management skills and learning to move on quickly.

-Patience: Ever tried to teach a 5 year old how to work a combination lock? Do it. I double-dog dare you. You'll need patience that you can buy in gallons, along with the ability to offer pep-talks and reality checks. And if you can do this, you can most definitely convince any venture capitalist to invest in your business.

-People Management Skills: If you've ever sat in a conference room trying to negotiate something in a group setting, then you know what it's like to host a playgroup of toddlers in your home. Sometimes managing people is like taking care of a group of 3-year-old kids all fighting over the same toy. "Wait your turn, please." "No yelling." "Can you tell me what you want?" "Why don't we take a break..." And how many times do you wish you could send a colleague to Time Out?

-Moving On...Quickly: One of the quickest things I've learned as a mom is to be flexible. When something isn't working, you move on to the next thing quickly...and without fuss. Trying to make a special dinner for the family and the recipe isn't working? Order take-out. Fast. Spending 15 minutes trying to convince your preschooler that she can't wear rain boots to school in 90 degree weather? Forget it. Let her have her way and come home with hot, stinky feet that you can smell from a block away. Have a change in your business idea and it's not working as you'd like? Tweak it, lose it, or move on. But don't obsess.

I'm not sure these three skills give me what it takes to be a millionaire, but I'd put money on them giving me an edge with the PTA.

What "motherhood" skills have helped you at work? And do you think moms have an added edge when becoming a mompreneur?

 

Paying the Price to Follow Your Dreams? Why Not.

If someone asked you, "What's your dream job," chances are high that you'd say something other then the job you're currently in. If you haven't followed your dreams before you had children, have you squashed those dreams entirely? And the the other question is, what price will you pay to land your dream job.

The simple answer is, of course, "It depends on your dream." The more complex answer is, "How much are you willing to risk?"

MSN's Lifestyle section has republished a helpful article by Mary Lou Quinlan called, "The Price of Passion: Following Your Dream." In determining if you should pursue your dream job, Quinlan say's you need to ask yourself, "What is the cost of passion?"

For many moms like me, having my first baby was what propelled me to leave my corporate days behind and start anew. My dream job was to become a full-time writer.  My husband and I had a plan to get there, and I think it's important to point out that it was a "we" decision, not a "me" decision. We took a huge leap of faith, a sizeable pay cut, and accepted that my field could be incredibly unstable. I'd say those were pretty decent risks, especially with two kids in tow. But for me, the dream was worth it.

Quinlan's article profiles five women who followed their dreams and four of them are working moms. One mom left her high-paying job at an investment company to find a more meaningful and flexible job. Another was a stay-at-home mom who had been out of the job market for 15 years and started her own business. The others switched their careers and even with the varying ups and downs, both indicate they've found happiness in their lives.

Working mamas - do you have a  dream job that you want to pursue? Have you thought about it often enough but you're too scared to take the next step? Do you know what that next step would be? And have you ever mentioned it to your spouse?

Taking risks is frightening, yes, but not impossible if you take baby steps.

Go read the profiles in Quinlan's story and HipMama B's story about The Mom Ramp. Get inspired. Ask yourself if your dream job is do-able. Then create a plan that you and your partner/spouse both agree on. My "dream job" plan took four years to completely execute, from the first moment I mentioned my idea to my husband to the day I turned in my resignation. And I had several "freak out" moments at the start of my new career where I even started interviewing for a corporate job again, fearful that my dream job wasn't working out the way I had planned. But my husband had never-ending faith and was my constant reality check. Every gal should be so lucky.

And in the back of your head, always repeat one phrase inspirsed by The Little Engine That Could:

" think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

Ladies Rock Camp: Why You Should Go

It's been one week since I returned from my first solo vacation. Ever. I've been a working professional for more than 12 years. A working mom for five years. And I've never gone away by myself. It's about time, right?

Some would hardly call it a vacation; I spent about twelve hours a day, over the course of three days, trying to learn to play the electric guitar. But it was my weekend. And I'm already counting the months until I can do it again.

What's all the fuss?

Ladies Rock Camp. A spin-off of Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls*, Ladies Rock Camp is a three-day weekend day camp in Portland, OR where you learn how to play an instrument, form a band, write music and perform an original song at a club. Sort of a Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp for women. How cool is that?

I first learned about Ladies Rock Camp in the February issue of O Magazine and I knew I had to attend. I had an electric guitar sitting in my closet. I purchased it several months ago after the rock star and actor, Rick Springfield, crushed it on stage. I had it restored, it was in perfect working order, and now I had an opportunity to use it (I won't bore you with the details, but if you're interested you can read about the guitar at my personal blog). A dream come true. My husband agreed wholeheartedly. Since he would be the one taking care of our two sons while I was away for a long weekend, his support was crucial.

I arrived in Portland with my gear in tow early on a Friday morning. And I'll admit it: I was nervous. I knew how to strum a few chords on the guitar, but playing in a band? Performing at a club? In front of an audience? Shivers.

I'll also admit that I was nervous about my peers. Something about being a mom and always feeling judged by other women tends to do that to a gal.  But I had nothing to worry about. The amazing instructors set the tone for the weekend: Have fun. You will make music. You will perform. And if you can do this, you can do just about anything.

Through workshops about writing music, instrument lessons, band practice and practice performances, to our late-night karaoke party, every element of Ladies Rock Camp is built around making sure all the students feel comfortable around each other and letting their hair down, even if it's just for a weekend. The students were equally amazing. From all walks of life and all ages (19 and up), every single attendee was your number one fan. Our goals were mutual...to show support and encouragement.

The phrase "I'm sorry" was one that we all started out repeating often during band practice...when we'd miss a beat, screw up a riff, hit the wrong chord...and then we realized we didn't need to apologize anymore. We were all sharing the same experience. Learning as we went. And so I'm sorry became, "Let's try it again."

By the last day of camp, my band, The Dirty Courtneys, had practiced our song more than 50 times. My fingertips were blistered. I had cuts around my cuticles and bruises along my fingers from playing without a guitar pick. And my hands were beginning to cramp, making me miss easy chord changes. But I was having so much fun that I couldn't complain. I wanted more. My band was one of twelve that performed on the stage of Satyricon. And the only thing I can say is that it was surreal.

Since returning from Ladies Rock Camp, I feel like I have a different attitude and perspective. I call it the "freak flag 'tude" after a quote I'd read from Drew Barrymore: "Let your freak-flag fly, and if someone doesn't get you, move on."

When you're a mom, it's easy to let your freak flag come down from its pole. It takes a little hiatus while you try to sort out who you are in this new world of yours. And as you encounter other moms, sometimes you hide your freak flag because you're worried about what other people may think of the real you. You want people to "get you." But you want to fit in.  

Ladies Rock Camp is 100 percent about empowerment. You don't worry about anyone having to "get you."  You're just you.

And I can't think of a a better message for all moms to hear.

For more details about my weekend at Ladies Rock Camp, you can check out my series, Rockstar Supermama, at my blog, crazedparent.

*Funds raised through Ladies Rock Camp are used to support the Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls.

The JobMom - Working Mom Blogs Webring

As I search around the blogworld looking for stories for and by working mamas, I search...and search...and search. I know they exists, but can't seem to find one central place to find them.

To get us all on the same page, we've created the JobMom Working Mom Blogs Webring. Several folks have already joined, why don't you?

Join the ring by clicking here. Complete the form and add the webring code to your blog. Once we make sure it's up and live, we'll approve you for the ring! It's just that simple.

What I love about the JobMom Working Mom Blogs Webring is that it's a simpler form of the blogroll. I click on a link and I'll be taken to our full list of members or a random link. A cool way for all of us bloggy mamas to generate some new traffic for our sites.

At some point we'll be taking the list and making it a separate page so it's not hosted by Webring (I'm not to keen on some of the GoogleAds they list with our page). But for now, it works!

Join the ring...tell your friends...and have a great weekend!

Mother's Day Gift: My Techie Wish List

Mother's Day is ten days away. My husband usually asks me how I'd like to spend Mother's Day...sleep in? Brunch? A day at the beach? My response is simple: I don't want to have to do or plan a single thing. My feeble brain simple wants to power down. If it means I have to stay in bed comatose all day for emphasis, well, so be it.

I do not, however, get asked what I want as a Mother's Day gift. This year, I can't, in good conscience, ask for anything after spending my weekend at Ladies Rock Camp (LRC) and purchasing a new sexy little Vox amplifier for my electric guitar. And have I mentioned we're also getting a puppy? There's a reason I'm called crazedparent.

But I do I have a wish list. And being a techie mama like my friend, Beth, my wish list is all geeked out. Of course, it's another list of five. And there's a reason it's called a "wish list"...

• Cingular 8125 Pocket PC: I'm admit it. While I've been completely against pocket PCs, this hot little number is calling my name. I covet the Cingular 8125 Pocket PC, and I'm okay with it.

• GarageBand Guitar Cable: I have turned into a music geek. With my MacBook and iGarage, I can plug my electric guitar right into my computer to make beautiful, head-banging music. It makes me tingle all over just thinking about it.

• A Multimedia Refrigerator: I'm not joking. I have a dream...the completely modern, web-enabled kitchen. I hate printing out recipes and taping them to a cabinet to read as I cook. While I am a lover of cookbooks, I also despise having countless tear-sheets of magazine recipes. Enter my solution: the Web Fridge. All I'd have to do is pull up the recipe on my fridge as I cook. Yum

• Wireless Speakers: We got rid of our stereo system in favor of an iPod. We never listen to the radio and often favor pulling up XM Radio on my laptop when we need a little change of tunes. But we're using a small Altec speaker system, which you can only hear in nearby rooms. I'd love to set up our house and backyard with wireless speakers so we can hear tunes everywhere. And I'd really love the speakers it they were Bluetooth enabled so they would pick up XM Radio from my laptop.

• Epson MovieMate 30s: We've been a television-free family for years, but we do like to watch movies on the weekend. Occasionally we'll borrow a projector and watch flicks on our living room wall. But the cables, the kids getting in the cables, the noise from the projector, the poor sound quality overall. The Epson MovieMate 30s would solve these problems so easily. It's a movie in a box. No need for a laptop connection or speakers. Just pop in a DVD, press play and you're golden. I'm giddy at the thought.

What's on your techie mama mother's day wish list?