The Real Feminine Mistake: Perpetuating Mommy Wars

Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland

I make no secret of my disdain for books about mommy wars or books that delve deeply into why it's completely irresponsible for any college-educated woman to leave the workforce to become a stay at home mom.

Over the past week, several media stories have emerged asking if mommy wars exist. Is it hype? Or is it real? (Interestingly, this is the same question that was being asked last year at this exact same time. Why? Because a few books on this topic were published shortly before Mother's Day.) This topic has come up again because of a new book that was recently released The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? by Leslie Bennetts. Disclaimer: I haven't read this book, nor will I. But the summary, as I've read time and time again from book reviews, is that Bennetts' is telling stay-at-home moms that the financial and emotional implications  of their leaving the workforce spell Disaster for their futures. You know, light reading before bedtime.

One of my favorite articles was an Op-Ed by Linda Hirshman, called "Off to Work She Should Go." In it, Hirshman says, "The pressure to increase mothering is enormous." She then looks at potential long-term implications of this increase in mothering, and some of the reasons why moms don't return to the workforce.

I felt this op-ed just scratched the surface, but it, along with the recent splat of stories and new book titles has left wondering...why has motherhood become so complicated? Why can't we just make a decision and feel good about it? Why must we read books that make us feel guilty for wanting to soak up every moment with our kids?

Mom guilt prevails our every move. And it's getting old.

I refuse to read books like The Feminine Mistake, Perfect Madness and Mommy Wars. In fact, I'm glad that Mommy War-related books aren't selling. I think they perpetuate the problems of moms judging other moms. And they perpetuate moms judging themselves.

Yet, I feel a twinge of guilt that I'm not reading them. I'm an educated, working mom. Shouldn't I care what these books are saying? Maybe. But, no.

The very fact that I'm writing this post means I'm contributing to something I feel is a problem. Then again, maybe someone else feels like I do about this topic...and maybe that person feels better knowing she has someone on her side.

In the end, that's all we want. Someone to understand how we feel...without judgment.

Comments

[Nataly]

Thanks for a great post - I agree with you and wish that we had more books highlighting moms who have found flexible job arrangements, changed careers to find better balance in their life, etc. Why aren't there more books with practical examples of how women are juggling work and family - and a positive message about it being possible to be a mom and not constantly question and feel guilty about the choices you make?

[Selfmademom]

Great comment about how things got so complicated for us... Anyway, you know why these books aren't selling? because we, their target audience don't have TIME to read them. And even though I would like to read it in my non existent spare time, I have like 10 books of fiction ahead of this. Maybe these intellectual mommies should consider different ways of getting out their facts and opinions rather than books. Like, a blog? :)

[Devra Renner]

the positive books aren't as "sexy" to promote and this is why they do not get the attention from the press, also many of those positive books are written by non-journalists who do not have the media connections to get the word out about their books. If you take a look at who has written the books that are getting the media attention, you can't help but notice they have connections to media already or they have a major university or other source of assistance. Independent writers who publish with smaller houses, just can't get the same kind of access. Our book has become an under the radar cult hit thru word of mouth (and word of blog!), and frankly, I prefer this as it means we may actually be around for longer than 15 minutes, which for us, means we can spend more time working to absolve Mommy Guilt, which is, after all, the reason we wrote our book. I agree there is value in what is being written by Hirshman, Bennetts and others, but the manner in which they choose to present their work (i.e. with contempt for other women, judgmental, promoting their own moral highground) distracts from anything meaningful they actually may have written. And like you, I find this to be quite frustrating as it does promote a competi-mommy atmosphere. Let me try to absolve your guilt over not reading the books that have those negative overtones, instead of feeling badly about what you aren't doing, feel good about what you ARE doing. You are freeing up your time to spend it on more postitive pursuits. You are an emanci-mommy!

[Jakes]

Reading mommy entries has an antiquated feel -- in the NYC area literally as many or more dads as moms take off to raise kids and let work take the backseat... yet it's like the story that doesn't seem to have made it to the HR world yet, curiously and sadly (in the case of benefits for "maternity" leave, etc.). Take a day off ladies and visit the playground -- lazy caretakers and harried mommies are so last millennium!

(PS the mommy books are making the talk show circuit and you're not missing anything -- listen to brian lehrer's show on wnyc, early may. Who's reading these books? I'd love to have heard the answer to that question in the publishers' meetings...)

[AILISH CODY]

I DONT HAVE A CHOICE I HAVE TO WORK SO WE CAN AFFORD OUR MORTGAGE. I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS GOING TO BE 3 AND IT KILLS ME LEAVING HER EVERY MORNING

[Anne Johnson]

Good point - the only moms who seem to be addressed in the dilemma books are the ones who are in a position to make a choice about staying home or not! Also, what about the not-so-discussed truth that being home with an infant can be numbing and unrewarding? Now that my daughter is 2 and a ton of fun, I'm struggling too about what to do next. Staying home is not necessarily the brass ring, and I agree that the guilt and frustration abounds in any of the available options. If only I could find a 3-day-a-week engineering job...maybe that's the key - more part-time options for professional jobs. If those existed, getting through to HR wouldn't be the problem; then we would only have to deal with resentment from other employees without families or who work full-time but would rather not.

[Patty Goeppner]

I am a working mom in a very flexible job. I have four children ages 3 up to 16. I struggled with the decision to stay at home and then I struggled with the decision to work. I know I am in a very unique situation, I do both. It is hard and it takes a lot of balancing and scheduling. To me it is worth being in an adult world and being with my kids too! If companies could be more aware that a working mom/dad is one of their best and most loyal of employees. Employers need to get off the 9-5 kick. I think they would find a more productive workforce if they would give flex time or more flexibility to working parents a shot. I work 3 days a week, I am at home as soon as my older kids get out of school. I cook dinner. I am there to help with homework. My 3 year old spends 2 days and 1 half day with her 2 grandmas so I don't have to put her in childcare and if I can work more I do and if I need to work less I can. You can do whatever you want and you can make it work if you want to. I don't bash women who want to work full time and I don't bash women who stay at home full time. If there is a friend or family member that has kids who needs help so she can work I help and if I need help so I can go to work they help me. We need to be a community about this issue not make someone feel wrong for whatever their decision might be. The end goal here, I think, is to raise healthy happy people that will make a healthy and happier society.

[Lon Baxter]

To moms...

There is a perfect justice at work here.

Most women who spend their time pursuing careers do not have children. Thus, they do not naturally reproduce. And the result is that their numbers will shrink.

Those women who mix work and parenting will inevitably mix their results. No one can be a full-time mother and a full-time employee. If you think you can, your ego will punish you far more than society ever would.

Women who devote themselves fully to raising their children are called homemakers for a good reason. What an accomplishment it is to make a home! Their reward is the sublime happiness that is inherent in parenting. These women will reproduce prolifically. And what's more, their ideals and lifestyles will spread with them.

In the end, mothers will continue to triumph. And I mean mothers - not working moms who 'have kids' the way they 'have a house' or anything else. I'm talking about mothers who raise kids, who teach kids by their own example that child-rearing is more important than anything else. Such mothers are the backbone of successful families. If you want to live in a world of part-time families, you are welcome to it. For myself, I choose to live in the world of full-time families. It's heaven on earth! It rocks! Of course, a full-time family requires a full-time care-giver. And what better care-giver is there than a loving mother?

[Charlene Prince Birkeland/JobMom]

Lon -

It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to be a full-time mom. But how unfortunate that your are not open-minded enough to see that not everyone has the same opportunities, or would make that same choice. I'm sure you can acknowlege that many moms must work -- they have no choice because their income is critical to their family. Do you think less of them? Are they not loving mothers? Are you suggesting that working moms are not, in fact, mothers? Are you implying that working moms don't raise kids? Or that working moms aren't the backbone of their families, because I can assure you, you are dead wrong.

It's comments and perceptions like yours that fuel mom guilt and perceptions of mommy wars.

[Tricia]

I am a 39 year old mom with a 3 year old and a new baby on the way, who has been fortunate enough to find a part-time job in my field. I am the Director of Finance & Administration for a small technology company and negotiated a 30 hour work week. Finding part-time work in most professions is not easy, but I think more companies (especially small business) are starting to realize that they need to be open to part-time/flex-time work schedules. I love my son, but having been in the workforce for almost 15 years prior to his birth, the idea of being a full-time stay at home parent was not for me. I admit that I find going to work much easier than caring for my cutie pie. I think I would be a horrible full-time stay-at-home parent, so I am comfortable with leaving my son in a pre-school for 3 days out of the week. He has excellent manners and is overall a good-natured child. I belong to a wonderful mommies group that is comprised mostly of full-time stay at home moms, but have never been judged by them for my decision to work outside the home. I have no desire to work full-time ever again and hope that I will be able to contimue to stay a part-timer so I can have balance in both my work and personal lives. While I am no longer on the "Fast Track" to a position that pays big bucks, I am comfortable with my choices and feel like I have the best of both worlds. Believe me, I am exhausted after a full day at the office and often don't have much energy left, but I find that I am just as tired on the days that I am home alone with my son.

[AnneMarie]

To ALL mom's.

I feel there is hope here.

It's a natural tendency to question people who make absurd and narrow comments about what makes a "better mom" and thus send the smoke signal that they have better, happier kids. My guess is that someone that is so judgemental must also be carrying that same train of thought througout the parts of their lives including themselves, peers and even their kids. It must be tough.

My hope is to for all the moms to move off of the competitve plane and into the creative plane and think of how we can make ourselves, our kids and the world a "better place". The only way is to ask questions, the right questions. Asked through true empathy and compassion for our kids and the world, AND lets not forget ourselves.

I stayed home for years. Now that my kids are old enough to reach out to new frineds and experiences, I am going back into the working world. I'm finding the the kids ARE my inspiration to find my passion, purpose and goals. My hope is that our relationship will continue such that they will continue to teach me,and inspire me. In the end, I'll have more to teach them. Seeing me happy and successful with my choices will inspire them to have the fullest life possible. Isn't that the hope?

[Stephanie Willson]

It is a very complicated discussion for both sides. At some point we need to unite and stand together!

[Shivers]

As a small business owner I have emploied Part-time staff and far prefer them to be Mum's or Dad's, yes the hours have to be flexible...and kids get sick. But in return you receive a very loyal and hard working employee. Having said that if a woman or man have the oppertunity to stay at home to raise their child I can not think of a more noble profession!

[Matthew]

I see lots of interesting posts and differing points of view here from moms but it is unfortunate that there are none from Dads. I am currently a single dad with a full time job as a senior executive. I wish I could work only 40 hours per week but the reality in my line of business is closer to 65 or 70. Fortunately my 2 boys are pretty big and relatively independent by now but as teenagers it is a time that they need extra strong male supervision.

I have to say that over the years, many of my finest co workers and employees that I have supervised have been single moms. They are very dedicated, disciplined and exemplary multi taskers (any one who has a couple of kids should be great at multi tasking). The motivation of single moms is the highest of all employees typically because they are often the sole breadwinner and kids these days are demanding Nike shoes not the Walmart specials :).

As a parent myself, I realise that these single moms will need to take off one or two more days in a month than other employees to attend to school soccer matches, parent teacher conferences or just to stay home because the child is sick and needs mommies attention.

I recognise in advance that these situations will occur and I give the moms full freedom to take these extra days and or time when they need it. It helps to take the pressure off them with respect to the dual role that they will play (and some of the guilt mentioned above) and I know that the quality of the work that they will produce when they get back to work will far exceed that of other employees.

There is far too much focus these days on people having a stellar career but what ever happened to just having a nice joba nd doing it well? if we can achieve that and be a great parent at the same time... then I believe that we can be more than satisfied with our lifes work.

I look forward to some further masculine inputs on this topic

Matthew Edmunds

[Toni]

I am a 33 y/o full-time working Mom of a 2 year old and another on the way. I work by choice. I have a great job, close to home, a boss that is beyond understanding. Before we decided to have children, I knew that I wanted to continue to work. It works well for our family and allows us to provide our son(s) with a lifestyle that my husband and I were both denied as kids. That was something that we both felt was important to us. I'm not talking about spoiling him to no end with material things, either. I didn't want the stress of living paycheck to paycheck and mounds of debt. Since we both have solid incomes, my husband and I (although careful) do not fight about money...ever. My mom was a single mom and struggled. I knew it and I felt the repercussions of it. My husband's mom was a SAHM and they struggled. He knew and felt it, too.

I think the key to the balance I have found and the lack of guilt I feel stems from the support I receive from my husband as an amazing father and partner. We both equally participate in raising our son and share all the responsibilities that go with it. From laundry to doctors visits, we both take turns and work together so that things get taken care of.

I have three other Mom-friends in different situations. One, a SAHM who feels that her role is to be the primary caregiver to their son. In turn, they have some financial stresses that we don't have to face. BUT, it works for them and their family. It's what they wanted for their son and they are willing to take on the challenges that come with it. My second friend works full-time and has a lot of guilt for doing it. She constantly struggles with the idea of quitting and staying home. But, at the same time is afraid to give up the financial security working gives their family. Finally, a third friend and her husband juggle their working hours so that the kids are with a parent (no daycare) at all times. They have one day together as a family and the rest are split up between the work hours. Unfortunately, due to this we don't see them much at all since our schedules don't coordinate. But, again, it works for them.

In my heart, I feel that there isn't a "right or wrong". There shouldn't be a debate. It's all about what works best for each and every family and no situation is the same. I choose to work, but that doesn't make me any better or worse of a parent than anyone else. I'm very proud of the Mom I am and also the career woman I am. I'm ok with that, my husband is ok with that and our son is just a happy 2 year old.

[PinkPowerSuit]

I would love to know what all of you women think about an article I wrote about mommy wars and how we can nip it in the bud for good!

As a reformed Judgemental, I mourn for my judgemental self. How much time I wasted! I've finally figured it out and have cast judgement out of my life. Well, nearly all judgement. I lapse for a minute or two, here and there. ;-)

I've linked to the article directly. Just click on my name: PinkPowerSuit.

Warmly,

Natasha Clark,
Mom's FREE Business Mentor