The Mom Ramp, Dad Style

Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland

We're starting to hear more and more about dads who stay home with the kids while mom is out bringing home the bacon. As we approach Father's Day, I thought it would be fun and enlightening to hear from a full-time dad about his new role, the transition from career to parent, and what it feels like -- in working mom lingo -- to take the "off ramp" from his career.

In June 2005, Christopher Harder was the assistant news editor at The Wall Street Journal website, WJS.com. But in June 2005, he also added a new title behind his name: Dad.

Christopher's first and only child, Nicholas, was born. And in working-mom lingo, Chris decided to take the "off ramp" from his career. His wife, a reporter and editor for a daily newsletter that covers the energy industry, went back to work.

JobMom (JM): At what point in your career did you have your first baby and at how did this change your attitude towards your professional career? Or did it?

Christoper Harder (CH): I was well into my career as a journalist when my wife, Beth, and I decided, after much contemplation, to have a child. It was the contemplation about becoming a father, as well as 9/11, that changed my attitude toward my career.

I had worked for about 18 years as a reporter, copy editor and news editor at a variety of newspapers, newswires and Web sites. When Nicholas, our first and only child, was born in June 2005, I had been working as an assistant news editor at The Wall Street Journal website for five years.

That included being in the WSJ.com office across the street from the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. I didn't really know it at the time, but everything in our lives took on a new urgency after that day. The smoke and smell of ground zero had filled our Brooklyn apartment for weeks afterward, and my co-workers and I were relocated to other offices for many months. When we returned to the World Financial Center office, I rode the train directly into ground zero each day to work. All of this was pretty demoralizing.

In the middle of the post-9/11 period, I turned 40, Beth and I bought a house in New Jersey (where we still live), and we started seriously talking about having a child. It just seemed like it could be so much more fulfilling than going into the office. So part of the new urgency in our lives was, ironically, a desire to stop and smell the roses.

JM: What led to your decision to be a stay-at-home dad?

CH: The whole time Beth and I discussed having a child, we also discussed the possibility of my staying at home with him. Beth really likes her job and didn't want to leave it. She also likes going into the office every day, so her staying home wasn't an option. Neither was daycare, since we felt that we wanted to do all we could to be there for Nicholas, especially during the all-important first few years of his life. So, although it might sound strange to say this considering that I'm in the vast minority among fathers, but staying at home just felt like the natural thing to do. I haven't regretted a single day so far.

JM: What was the transition like for you from being a working dad to staying home? Most career moms have a really difficult time with the transition and for me, it took me about a year before I was comfortable in my new gig, so to speak. What was the toughest thing to get used to?

CH: The sheer drudgery was a bit of a shock: the constant rounds of dish washing and laundry, the thousands of diapers and wipes. I was used to making decisions all day about spot-news coverage, and I was used to a constant exchange of ideas with coworkers. So I found myself going slightly insane from the sometimes mind-numbing lack of adult conversation. This mental devolution may very well still be going on for all I know.

Also, I'm blown away by how physical the job is. I've gone from sitting in front of a computer all day to lifting and carrying 35 pounds all day. I'm convinced I've done permanent damage to my back and neck, but at least my "beer belly" has disappeared!

I don't know if I can say I'm "comfortable" with my new job yet. I'm still learning everyday, and just when I think I'm in a bit of a groove, Nicholas ups the ante by reaching some new milestone or some new object he shouldn't be playing with. Or he'll decide to catch a nasty cold or not to sleep for more than an hour at a time, just to keep us on our toes.

JM:  How do you divvy up the "roles and responsibilities" at your house? Since you're the one at home, do you do it all? Or do you split the daily chore grind?

CH: We have a pretty good division of labor worked out at this point on weekdays. Beth dresses Nicholas in the morning and feeds him breakfast before leaving for the office. I take over till she comes home at night, so I handle lunch and dinner, dishes, laundry, cleaning and bath time. In between, I'm the playmate/teacher/tour guide. When Beth comes home, she reads to him and puts him to bed, the idea being to give her as much quality time with him as possible. If Beth is away on business or has to get to work earlier than usual, I handle her "chores."

JM: When you go out and about with your Nicholas, do you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb because you're a dad? What's it like hitting the park with him in the middle of the day?

CH: Yes, I feel I stick out (I don't think all of it can be explained by sheer paranoia). While we live in a pretty progressive area, I'm still in the minority. I don't get pelted with eggs or anything, but I also don't get greeted with open arms at the playground by the mothers and nannies, either. But that's fine. It's not about me, it's about Nicholas. As long as he can get out and see the world, that's the main thing.

JM: So there's been lots of blog fodder and news about dads feeling bitter about their wives bringin' home the bacon. What's you're take? And like stay-at-home moms that have left the workforce, do you ever feel "dad guilt" for not financially contributing to the family? Do you plan to go back to work at some point?

CH: I do feel some guilt at times about not contributing financially. Some more money coming into the house sure would be nice. But I think I had some preparation in that my wife has earned more money than I have as long as I've known her. I've never felt ill at ease about that. She works damn hard for it and earns every penny. More power to her.

I wish stay-at-home parents were better paid, not necessarily with a paycheck, but with more-generous maternity leaves, for example. This country takes lousy care of its homemakers, offering pathetic maternity leaves. It should take a closer look at how a country like Germany does it.

That being said, I do plan to go back to work. Hey, we'll need the money. This stay-at-home dad deal was always meant to be temporary, a recognition of the importance of the first few years of our son's life. When and what form that return takes remains to be seen.

A special thank to Christopher for letting me interview him. Happy Father's Day, Chris!

Comments

[stayathomedad]

Nice interview.

I have just done the same for the last six months and am just starting out bloggin, wish me luck.

www.stayathomedad.typepad.com

[Karen]

Great article. My husband and I are considering having him stay home with our two young daughters. I will be sharing this with him.

[Blake]

Good take on the situation. However it appears to me that your wife's income is enough to live on. THis is often not the case. We dropped to 35% of my income when I stayed at home and my wife went to work. You'd see more dads doing this if their wives were paid on a parity scale. We're just sticking to pasta until the youngest is 7 or 8, then I'll buy some hair dye and get back to work ;)

[Ruth]

My husband is also a stay at home dad and he is wonderful at it!! My son is so well-behaved and happy. He loves all of his time with Daddy. His Daddy teaches tennis and is a personal trainer evenings and weekends, so that adds financially to the family but the time spent with our son and knowing he is safe and happy is better than all of the money in the world.

[nico]

my husband is also a SAHD - and a very good one. We made the decision for a few reasons, one being the lack of affordable, quality health care in our area. I work a lot of OT so we can afford to live in our modest home in the outlying area of the bay area. Xis is a fantastic father and has done an outstanding job with the kids (now 2 and 4). he has days when i can tell he craves adult interaction. he gets shunned by some mothers/caretakers at the playground, and hit on by others.
I worry about him struggling to get back into the workforce after so many years off, but I'm sure he'll manage that as well as he does everything else.

[Leigh]

Just read this since we were away, but my husband has either worked part-time or stayed home with our son and I love it. It allows me the ability to get just myself ready in the morning and head to work feeling refreshed instead already exhausted from getting him ready and then to day care, etc. Also, I am able to fully concentrate at work since I know that my son is home with his dad although he does go to pre-school 3 days a week which is helpful for both of them. I feel I am also less stressed and able to really provide my employer with 100% of my attention and able to concentrate. I also don't have to worry about sick days for my son, vacations, holidays that my company doesn't take, etc.
My husband is planning to start some type of company of his own, so getitng back into his "career" will be much easier.
So for now - this has been wonderful for all 3 of us.
Keep up the good SAHD's!